Sportsman's Daily


Lou Piniella Tears Zambrano A New A**hole

Procedure Called a First in Sports

Carlos Zambrano

Carlos Zambrano, screaming in pain after delivering a pitch, is slowly making the transition to throwing from the mound after he was torn a new asshole. He has expressed concern the Cubs may place him on waivers

CHICAGO, IL (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – It’s been a trying year for the Cubs. Playing sub-500 ball in a dismal division, and separating teammates in the dugout and locker room has cast a pall on the Windy City team. Manager Lou Piniella said he’s found the whole thing frustrating, but not nearly as frustrating as it will be for his pitcher Carlos Zambrano. That’s because the Chicago ace is recovering and adjusting to life after being torn a new asshole by Piniella. Located on his left buttock, Zambrano’s new asshole was clearly visible to beat reporters who we’re in the locker room for post-game interviews. Zambrano exited the shower amid whispers, snickers and snorts from teammates and coaches as he slowly got dressed choosing to not speak with reporters.

Piniella, known for his caustic demeanor, seemed surprisingly pleased to discuss the matter with members of the media. “His ERA’s too high and his attitude sucks, so I used a fungo bat and letter opener to tear Carlos his new one,” the sixty-three year old skipper said. “I’ve never done this before, and I think it’s a first for him too. So forgive me if it’s a little sloppy. By mid-season, after I’ve gotten a few of these under my belt, I’m sure you’ll find they’re less messy - less weeping. I’d like to try it out on some of the older guys.”

Zambrano is not expected to miss any starts, however he may be on a reduced pitch count. “When you have a second asshole, you have to find if it’s easier to wind up or work from the stretch,” said pitching coach Larry Rothschild, barely able to contain his laughter.

Piniella said he got the controversial idea when he played with the New York Yankees under manager Billy Martin. “If I took the collar in those days, Billy’d pulled me aside and threatened to tear me a new asshole,” Piniella said. “Of course he never did, so this is sort of tribute to him, may he rest in peace.”

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