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New Leap Year Tradition: World Series Loser to Meet Wicker Man

Wicker Tape Parade. The losers of the World Series have a date with Mr. Bad Hair Day, the Wicker Man’s caretaker.

SUMMERISLE, SCOTLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Beginning this year and every leap year to follow, the loser of the World Series will be taken to the remote Hebridean island of Summerisle, to face the Wicker Man. It is part of Bud Selig’s latest directive to maintain balance and parity in the game.

“I believe there comes a time to start anew by cleansing the league of negativity,” said Selig cryptically. “And losing a World Series is pretty negative, so every four years, the losers will face the Wicker Man. I am told when one team is engulfed by the Wicker Man, not only do the crops flourish, a new team sprouts up in the Dominican Republic.”

The Wicker Man, a nearly thirty foot wicker statue resembling a man, is meant to sacrifice a chosen person, or in this case an unfortunate baseball team, by imprisoning the victims in its hollow torso. It is then set on fire as islanders sing and dance which they hope will hasten the rainy season.

“The rainy season? It’s fucking Scotland Bro – it always rains there,” said Los Angeles Angels outfielder Torii Hunter. “Goddamn white ass pagan motherfuckers sure like to concoct some fucked up shit.”

The Major League Players Association immediately issued a statement condemning the directive.

“Though I thoroughly appreciate the cinematic undertones of the Commissioner’s well plotted, but clearly mashuga decision, we cannot let this go on,” said Donald Fehr MLBPA Executive Director. “There are some players who simply won’t stand for burning to death, especially overseas.”

There are some baseball veterans who find the move bold, but necessary.

“Well, this certainly will raise the stakes a tad, no?” said Cubs manager Lou Piniella. “Maybe now, I can get some of my players to lay down a bunt once in a while.”

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