Sportsman's Daily

 

Washington Nationals Mathematically Eliminated From 2007 Pennant Race

Hopelessness in Locker Room Leads to Earliest Exit in Baseball History

Zachary Roykirk Sudlowe

Zachary Roykirk Sudlowe, seated in the Founder’s Section at RFK Stadium, contemplates the 2007 Nationals roster, then smiles awkwardly moments before lighting himself on fire. The Nationals’ promotions department has considered offering Sudlowe a job lighting himself on fire in the seventh inning of every Sunday home game.

WASHINGTON DC (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – It began before spring training. The pessimism ran rampant not only among fans of the Washington Nationals, but the players themselves. Nick Johnson, the slugging first baseman for the DC ball club, sat at home and text messaged other members of the team telling them “feel free to show up to camp out of shape, it doesn’t matter anyway.” Johnson showed up for spring training at Space Coast Stadium in Viera, Florida and promptly wound up on the disabled list to start the regular season.

“We really blow monkey balls,” said left fielder Ryan Church. “Have you checked out our rotation? Have you ever heard of any of these guys? Peter “Fucking” Gammons hasn’t heard of any of these guys. We may has well put a guy named Rffebtrlysolkysng W. Mfthsrzxdrgbbtaw on the mound, because its no more confusing than who’s on the roster now.”

With utter bleakness permeating throughout the entire organization, Major League Baseball has acted in the best interest of the players, coaches, and especially the fans to officially declare the Nationals franchise mathematically eliminated from the 2007 pennant race. “Finally Bud Selig has done something right, not to mention humane,” said Nats manager Manny Acta. “At least the fans of this club can sit back and enjoy the circus. No expectations, no disappointments. Getting up in the morning and thinking about making out the lineup card curdles my belly. Especially the pitching. These guys suck! It‘s gonna be one shitty year.”

Third baseman Ryan Zimmerman, one of the Nationals bright spots said recently he’s just playing for the team until things work out at Burger King. “Yes, I’d rather be changing the oil in the French fryer than playing with guys like Rffebtrlysolkysng W. Mfthsrzxdrgbbtaw,” said the 2006 NL Rookie of the Year candidate. “Life is a bottomless abyss of pain and suffering.”

Fans of the team are split. Many have resigned themselves to the fact that the team is terrible, and say they can just enjoy a day at the ballpark. Others have reacted differently vowing to devour their own limbs. Perhaps right fielder Austin Kearns put it best when he said, “It can only get worse.”

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CHARLES EPSTEIN

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ANGELO VECCHIO

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