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Disney’s Pluto: Michael Vick Kicked My Ass at Closing Time

Beloved Character Says He Won’t Sue

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Dog days. These were happy times for cuddly Disney character Pluto. But Mickey Mouse’s pet dog tries to keep a stiff upper lip after the Vick beatings. “My shrink has me on three different meds,” Pluto said.

ORLANDO, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Pluto, one the world’s most adored cartoon characters admitted yesterday that Atlanta Falcon’s star quarterback Michael Vick kicked his ass while visiting Disney World in Orlando last summer. The incident occurred after Pluto and Goofy staged a playful footrace near The Hall of Presidents just as the park was about to close for the night. Goofy won the race easily. Apparently Vick had placed a bet that Pluto would win. An exhausted Goofy was taking pictures with a few stragglers after the race and noticed a disturbance. When he turned to see what had happened, he saw a battered and bruised Pluto writhing in pain as three screaming and crying toddlers and their parents tried to make sense of the melee. “It was Michael Vick,” Goofy said. “What a freekin’ nut job.”

Pluto, who was hospitalized overnight and returned to the famous theme park a few days later, said he wanted to keep the episode quiet, but decided to go public after Vick’s dog fighting ring was made public. He has since warned Goofy, also a dog, as well as non-Disney cartoon characters like Deputy Dawg, Chopper, Muttley, Astro, and others that Vick is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. “People have asked me if I’m going to sue,” the lovable canine said. “I’m not. Not because I don’t think he deserves it, I just can’t put myself through the aggravation. Besides, just read the papers, he won’t be electrocuting any doggy tail anytime soon.”

Vick is facing at least a year in prison after pleading guilty to financing a dog fighting syndicate, as well as being involved in the killing of dogs that didn’t perform well. “What the fuck does Michael Vick know about performing well?” said Donald Duck. “What, just because he can fake a linebacker out of his shoes? You want to talk about performing? Have you ever seen Pluto’s work in The Purloined Pup from 1947? As far as I’m concerned that should have won the Best Cartoon Oscar that year.”

Pluto says he still worries about Vick and often has trouble sleeping. “I was really glad he didn’t get to the Superbowl and win it,” Pluto said. “Because you know what happens if he does, right? It’s the old, ‘Hey Michael Vick, you just won the Superbowl, what are you gonna do now?’ routine. To which he’d have said, ‘I’m going to Disney World and kick me some more of Pluto’s boney ass.’"

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