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University of Miami To Axe Sports Program; Will Join Ivy League

School Prez Shalala Says She’ll Entertain Fencing and Polo

ax

Ceremonial axe to be used in severing sports program from UM campus. The axe pictured was actually confiscated from the arsenal of a UM linebacker, who has since joined President Shalala's security detail.

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) -- After several seasons of controversy surrounding its sports program, and in particular its football team, University of Miami President Donna Shalala has announced the school will drop its athletic program entirely beginning in the next school year. The former U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services during the Clinton Administration, said she really had no choice.

“This school kicks ass,” said Shalala. “The football team’s been kicking ass too, but mostly in the parking lots of opposing teams.”

“I predict by the year 2200, we’ll have no need for our bodies anymore. We’ll all be masses of thought energy,” Shalala added. “So what’s the point of having sports? Let’s prepare for the inevitable corporeal-cerebral advancement now while it‘s still affordable. I’ve had my sights set on joining the Ivy League for two years. So alert the media that things are going to be a little different around here. (Ed. note: We informed Shalala, we were the media) I’m gonna open up a whole new can of academia. Not to be confused with opening a whole new can of Macadamia, expensive nuts enjoyed largely by the school’s tiny group of Hawaiian students."

Outgoing Hurricanes football coach Larry Coker disagrees with the decision and issued a formal statement saying, “I saw no evidence of anyone on my coaching staff evolving into this so-called ‘thought energy’ at anytime. Shalala‘s whacked!”

Shalala is confident the school’s board of trustees will approve her motion to enter the Ivy League joining academic institutions like Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Penn and Brown. Shalala did say she’d consider stuffy, blueblood, recreational sports with a smidgen of good old fashioned Protestant Puritanism like fencing and polo.

Students are divided on the proposed transition. “I don’t know about fencing,” said Keith Jennings, a second year medical student. “My physiology professor says deep puncture wounds are dangerous, and fencing is the worst thing for them.”

Members of the football team as well as every other sport who attend the school on athletic scholarships are devastated. Team equipment manager Nate Billings said, “No sports? Ivy League? Like Ivy hanging on brick walls?? Good luck if you expect that shit to grow in this humidity.”

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