WWE Superstar Umaga Confuses Small Crowd By Crashing College Wrestling Meet
Greco-Roman Style Grappler Pins Him in 3.7 Seconds
All dolled up and no one to eye gouge. WWE superstar wrestler Umaga calls out 197 pound Conrad Roberts, a sophomore on the Wyoming Cowboys wrestling team, and learns a painful lesson in reality
LARAMIE, WY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – The small crowd at the UniWyo Sports Complex in Laramie, Wyoming last Friday night could barely believe what happened approximately one hour and ten minutes into the summer-league wrestling meet between the host Wyoming Cowboys and the South Dakota Jackrabbits. As 197 pound Cowboys sophomore Conrad Roberts was preparing for his match with Larry Kerdesky, the lights in the arena flickered, then went off completely. Tribal music pumped through the facility’s public address system and standing in the in the middle of the floor backlit in a blinding strobe was WWE International Champion, Umaga.
Confused spectators sat stunned in silence as Umaga (born Edward Umar Fatu) pointed at Roberts challenging him to a steel cage death match. Roberts said he never heard of him (Umaga) and turned away to focus on his scheduled match. An infuriated Umaga once again laid down the gauntlet, as bewildered maintenance personnel scrambled to make sense of the proceedings consulting safety handbooks. Umaga then pushed 118 pound South Dakota wrestler Tabby McGinley out of his folding chair and flung it at Roberts.
“That got me a bit perturbed,” said Roberts. “So I invited him onto the mat.” Both Wyoming and South Dakota team members and fans were now rooting for Roberts to put a speedy end to what most onlookers deemed an insignificant yet mildly amusing nuisance. Umaga then confiscated a random step ladder from assistant maintenance man Mike Vogel, ascended to the top step and launched himself at the sophomore grappler. Roberts dodged the flying Samoan, pounced on him and pinned him in 3.7 seconds.
“You may have won this battle Conrad Roberts,” the WWE superstar growled in his confrontational wrestlespeak. “But Mr. (Vince) McMahon (WWE Chairman) and his minions will assemble the greatest assortment of muscle-bound, roid raging, side show freaks and rejects from Hades hell bent solely on shutting down your act pretty boy!”
Umaga then quickly gathered the strobe light, tribal music cd, and assorted props and walked out of the athletic center stopping briefly to ask Wyoming Assistant Coach Matt Johnson if a cab might be available.
The WWE has long considered merging with high school, college and Olympic wrestling to bring what McMahon calls “good old fashioned American over-the-top, low-grade, white trash, dumbed-down horseshit” to the Greco-Roman tradition.
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