Sportsman's Daily


Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

Batboy Timmy Tanner

Former Minnesota Twins batboy Timmy Tanner captured in undated photo unleashing primal howl as he prepares to rip the arms off an unauthorized clubhouse visitor.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – Kirk Radomski is not the only batboy – in his case, former batboy -- in the news. The accused steroids-trafficker and one-time New York Mets employee has been joined by twelve batboys who were caught by federal surveillance cameras using illegal performance enhancing drugs.

Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.

Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.

“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star outfielder Torii Hunter when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?”

A voice immediately boomed across the room: “Nandrolone decoanate!” It was Tanner, the freakishly massive youngster whose monstrous growth spurt went largely unnoticed in the daily hubbub of a long season.

“We just kept missing the signs. During rain delays he’d entertain us by breaking three bats at a time across his forearms. He was just a very big, goofy kid with superhuman strength. No one ever questioned his transformation, from scrawny batboy to a baby-faced muscle-bound freakazoid. He kept the guys loose, everyone loved him. But that was before the mood swings.”

Without any seeming provocation, Tanner would unleash a frightening primal howl and perform crazed feats of strength, from uprooting the whirlpool in the clubhouse to attempting to lift the front end of the Twins fully loaded team bus. While Tanner’s erratic behavior continued, it was only when his steroid-fueled outbursts spilled over onto the field – and into the stands – that the team grew concerned.

“He started picking fights with players from other teams,” said Twins GM Terry Ryan. “No one wanted any part of the kid – he was humongous. I once saw him chase a Venezuelan utility infielder from the field before a game in Texas. He was terrified, as were other ballplayers who suddenly found themselves in the path of a Timmy Tanner ‘roid rage. That’s when you began seeing these shockingly oversized batboys parked near the on-deck circle, glowering across the field at the opposing batboy. The threat of two supersized batboys about to go bat shit was ever-present, which actually kept the perpetually agitated youngsters at bay. It was once again safe for players to take pre-game BP. Though several batboys, Timmy included, began re-directing their rage at fans cowering in the stands.”

“We had a standing policy: don’t feed the batboys,” said Gene Banks, head of security at the Metrodome. “Fans sitting field level see them up close, they look like cute, clean cut kids, only much, much bigger. The natural inclination is to throw them a pretzel or a piece of a hot dog. Then, as they get closer, you just can’t help yourself, they’re like big awkward Pandas, clumsy and adorable – you must reach out and pet them. And that’s when the trouble starts. We learned early on that these kids are simply too big and too strong for us to subdue without the assistance of an anaestha-dart. One to the back of the neck and they’re out for two days.”

According to former Seattle Mariner batboy Kent Roberts, who went on to make millions as a multi-level marketer of vitamin supplements, “A batboy’s career is brief – a year, maybe two, tops. If you’re smart, you look at it from an entrepreneurial standpoint: how do I monetize my access to millionaire athletes? Radomski was a fool, he stepped over the line and got caught. The smart play is to use your access to build a sales database – eventually you’ll find something to sell. Which is exactly what I did when I realized that most pro athletes don’t know the difference between an oral steroid and a B vitamin, particularly if you pour the supplements into suspicious looking, unlabelled bottles and charge steroid prices. The markup was insane…and I never had to worry that I’d be on the receiving end of a roid-fueled freakout. Though I did get roughed up a couple of times by players who felt they were getting shorted on their daily requirements of zinc and niacin.”

The twelve batboys who are being held are said to be cooperating with the ongoing investigation into illegal drug use. Others are expected to be named in the growing scandal. One batboy, speaking off the record, privately welcomed the crack down.

“It wasn’t just the pressure to get big that got out of hand. Imagine you just turned seventeen, you’ve got sex on the brain 24x7, your eyes are locked on the chick with the big hooters sitting in row 14, and you can’t even duck into a vacant locker between innings to whack off – the shit fucks up your plumbing. You got all this hormonal energy bottled up with nowhere to go and before you know it you’re in the stands wildly lunging at the first set of tits you can get your hands on. I’m just glad they’re clamping down before someone reaches for the wrong tits, i.e., ones with hair on ‘em, and gets hurt.”

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