Toothless in Toronto
Maple Leafs Player’s Wives Say ‘No Teeth’ Look Will Catch On
Unidentified wife of Toronto Maple Leaf player gingerly tests toothless look. "So far I'm loving it. Plus, it's practical -- flossing is a breeze. I've already scheduled my next extraction.A steady diet of pureed steak and chicken marsala shakes is a small price to play for beauty."
Toronto (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — It may be one of the biggest clichés in sports - a team photo of a professional hockey team with it’s players smiling - and toothless. In recent years however, hockey players who’ve lost their teeth after receiving a hard hit puck or stick square in the mouth, have chosen to have dental work to correct the problem. Now, some wives of a few Toronto Maple Leafs players are taking a bold stand by going retro and may be creating a new fashion statement at the same time.
Rookie Toronto Center Pavel Destoyoff’s wife Helena said she had four of her bottom teeth removed recently and is considering having her incisors on the top row yanked as well. “The pain was excruciating and there was blood everywhere, but look at me now. It’s so sexy.” Helena Destoyoff said. “Even some of the fans’ wives are going toothless. It’s a statement of independence. We just keep enough teeth in there to chew our food.”
Not everyone in the Maple Leafs organization subscribes to the dental hi jinx. “I’m pretty confused by the whole thing.” said Goal Tender Andrew Raycroft. “I totally with the hip hoppers with their bling grills and gold capped toothy grins. I mean, that’s the shit. But I’m not sure I want my lady’s bicuspids ripped out of her head. The “Hee Haw” look might have done it for me when I was a teenager, but not anymore."
But Helena Destoyoff continued to defend the look. “A great set of teeth are eye catching, but so commonplace. What really catches your eye is when someone smiles, and all you get is gums. It sticks with you. Plus, Pavel tells me the blow jobs have been sensational.”
Most Maple Leafs fans aren’t sure what the fashion statement means. But Trent Jennings of North York believes that it could mean that too many teeth convey opulence. “You see, there’s a small but growing sect of people in Ontario who feel by removing unnecessary or underused parts of their body, they’re displaying a vow of poverty. Ok. But doesn’t it just make more sense to not buy let’s say, um, a Range Rover?”
Relatives of Helena Destoyoff as well as some of the other players wives who have followed her lead, but have declined to be interviewed for this story, are concerned that Helena is beginning to exhibit some gruesome side effects. A green bulbous growth is forming on her lower lip, and her breath is said to remind some of a pastiche of discarded eight day old packages of raw chicken, curdled cream, and socks worn on consecutive days by men who lay hot tar on roofs. Her speech pattern has been greatly altered as well. “She sounds like shit.” Said Maple Leafs Coach Paul Maurice. “It’s hard to take her seriously, and her breath’s like a fuckin’ train wreck. Pavel should body check her a few times and knock some sense into her.”
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