Sportsman's Daily


Man Who Never Heard of TiVO Thinks His Friend is a Sports Psychic

“He’s Right Every Time” claims technology naive Pirates fan

Jason Bay

Say Bay! Whatever Larry Kern predicts Pirates slugger Jason Bay will do, he does -- with a bit if help from TiVo. Just don’t tell his pal Jimmy McMinn about the practical joke that’s been going on for years.

PITTSBURGH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Jimmy McMinn lives an admittedly simple life. He works at a Pittsburgh lumberyard, meets his friends after work for beers and goes home for dinner. Dinner is often spent in front of the TV watching his beloved Pirates. But McMinn has recently experienced something he can’t explain. His best friend, Larry Kern seems to know how specific plays are going to develop before they actually do. “I’ll go over to Larry’s house and he’ll say ‘hey Jimmy, watch Jason Bay take this low and away pitch and deposit it in the upper tank’ and sure enough, Bay unloads a monster jack into the left field bleachers upstairs. It’s frickin’ scary. If he did it once, I’d say ‘no big deal’ but he does it every night. Night after night. Double play deep in the whole on this play -- a running catch on the warning track on that play. My boy’s got something really weird going on.”

What McMinn isn’t aware of is that Larry Kern is actually using his TiVo to pause live TV before McMinn arrives. Kern and his friends have taken what was a one time misunderstanding, and advanced it to an elaborate practical joke for several seasons. “Jimmy isn’t exactly technology savvy, so we’re just having a little fun,” said Dean Klaras, a friend of the two men. “You should see him the next day at the lumberyard telling all his co-workers how much of a genius Larry is. How long has TiVo been around -- like eight, nine years? How can this dude not know about it? You gotta love this guy.” Apparently Jimmy McMinn has never heard of TiVo and seems genuinely and consistently stunned at his friend’s sports intuition.

However, last Friday the practical joke nearly took a tragic turn when McMinn appeared at Kern’s home at 3:15 in the morning. An unnamed source told The Sportsman’s Daily that McMinn began to theorize Kern’s strange psychic powers may mean he’s in league with the devil. Then McMinn, wearing a large iron crucifix around his neck, attempted to confront his friend with a sack of garlic cloves, a copy of the bible and a silver bullet. “I have a silver bullet Larry, don’t make me use it,” McMinn nervously proclaimed. “But you don’t have a gun,” a confused Kern responded. “True, but I have a terrific arm Larry. You yourself have said on many occasions it’s a wonderful arm. I must warn you, properly thrown this bullet can penetrate your evil dark heart and render your apocalyptic bag of tricks powerless.”

Kern reasoned with McMinn telling him he had true psychic powers and the devil has nothing to do with it. Evidently satisfied with Kern’s explanation, McMinn discarded the silver bullet and went home. “I don’t know how he does it,” McMinn said. “But I’m going to figure it out someday -- right after I get my 8-Track player to work.”

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