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Tim Hardaway Says He’s Not Too Enamored With Heterosexuals Either

Former Sharp Shooting Guard Says He’s Been Celibate Since 1989

hardaway

Tim does it the Hardaway saying he prefers the company of sexually indeterminate males to keep temptation to a minimum.

MIAMI, FL (JockStraps Wire Service) — Just two weeks after making hate-filled statements against gays, Tim Hardaway says he’s spreading his controversial message across the sexual universe.

“I really don’t care for straights either,” said the former Miami Heat guard. “Personally, I think it’s all dirty, filthy, nasty stuff. Whether you’re a garden variety flamer or if you’re into girl-on-girl, sorority sleepovers, Dutch, facial frenzies, three guys and one girl, three girls and one guy, horses, fruit, fisting, gloryhole, trannies, Catholic school girls, ring around the rosey with the Protestant minister, fetish balls, whatever the fuck your sick, degenerate mind can conjure up, its all disgusting to me. When I’m with my lady all she’s gonna get from me is a handshake.”

Hardaway has apparently abstained from any sexual activity since 1989. In his rookie year with Golden State he met a Bay Area guru named Sri Prajneesh who clued him into the mystical powers of celibacy. But Hardaway took the practice to another level. He began targeting people kissing in alleyways and grabbing a quickie in public bathroom stalls. “He was a real hard ass about that,” said former teammate Chris Mullin. “He’d bitch slap anyone in sight who were into public displays of affection. It didn’t matter if it was gay, straight, whatever…he was on a crusade.”

Jockstraps asked Hardaway how he derives sexual pleasure, he said, “I don’t. It’s been replaced entirely by me dressing up as my mother.” A bouquet of flowers was then delivered to his front door. Hardaway told the delivery man to wait. He then excused himself momentarily and reappeared in an evening gown holding a check book and a large sausage.

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