New Year - New Partner

January 1st, 2009
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Hi Everybody, Happy New Year from the crew here at TSD.

We expect a lot of new goings on here this year and more interactive departments to continue to make TSD the premier sports satire site on the net.

First in line this year is an exciting new partnership with ROOTZOO, Home of the Sports Fan.  http://www.rootzoo.com/featured_writer/view/sportsmansdaily.com – Give them a look and interact with their members.

There’s a lot more to come in 2009. 

Here’s wishing you all a great year ahead.

New Old German Sport Hysteria Led by Tens of People Worldwide and in Parts of Asia.

December 30th, 2008
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Second only to juggling and veganism.

Wheel Gymnastics, second only to juggling and veganism.

HOLD. THE. PHONE. Did you guys already know about this?  It seems to have swept the globe beneath the collective radar. It popped up while I was researching “popular sports of Finland.” It looks weird, and oddly kinky. It’s Rhönrad. Wheel gymnastics.

Born in Germany, it made its debut to the international masses during the 1936 Olympics Opening Ceremonies in Berlin. Knowing that the guest of highest honor had lots of propagandistic cameras rolling at the time, it must have been caught on film, but actual footage of that performance has so far eluded me.

Wheel gymnastics has since been embraced by the Dutch, probably because of their ability to stretch the entire diameter easily.  I hear the Japanese like it, too.  They have smaller ones.  It’s also established itself in places such as the US and Iran.

You are judged by how you roll. Literally. If you are any good, you’d get this thing going on its side, Smokey and the Bandit style. Sometimes while maintaining the splits. Sure, it might be the Chess Club of the sports world, but I suspect it is hardcore in disguise. Or at the very least, it could someday surpass Pole Dancing in popularity at bachelor parties, or with the likes of the Desperate Housewives of the OC.

But how this is not already declared an official Olympic sport is beyond me. At least Cirque du Soleil had the good sense to employ it in their show Quidam (never saw it) before it becomes mainstream. Like Ribbon Dancing.

ANGELO’S ANGLES by ANGELO VECCHIO

December 28th, 2008
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* TIME TO END THE BcS:  NCAA Division I College football needs a playoff system in the worst way.  I want this SCRUM entry to become the definitive plan for such a playoff.  Feel free to cut and paste, spread this around the internet and the world at large.  Just credit www.sportsmansdaily.com  for the idea.  And it’s a humdinger.  I have all bases covered.  Everybody wins, especially the fans. 

First of all, one big argument against a college football playoff system is that it makes the bowl games less important.  In my plan, the bowl games become MORE important, because they are part of the playoffs.  It could start as an eight team field or sixteen team field and for the purpose of this column, let’s go with 16 teams, giving us four rounds and 15 games.  Four rounds is about a month of play.  If you limit the regular season to 11 games, which is the way it always was and the way it should still be, you could easily add a few more games at the end and not interfere with academics—or cause undue stress on the players, their families or the universities.  Right now, some teams are playing 13 or 14 games and in my season, the most they would play (two teams who make it to the end) is 15 games.  You take the top 15 bowl games for the playoff system.  The remaining bowl games—those lower echelon bowls no one ever watches,  wouldn’t be part of the playoff, but would still make out fine because they could be moved to the best dates/times, including New Years Day—and including prime time or weekend day time.  So suddenly, these little known bowls would have bigger audiences and more money coming in, even though they wouldn’t be in the playoff system.  As for the 15 top bowls, they would all be hosting playoff games.  The top Five bowls (Fiesta, Orange, Sugar, Rose and Cotton) would have the Title game once every five years as these big five would rotate to host the mammoth money making game (as is the case now).   Those other 10 bowl games would suddenly be elevated to hosting games with the country’s top teams vying for the National Championship.  So in affect, every bowl game would be “promoted” from where it is today, because 15 bowls would have title implications and the remaining bowls would get better dates/times and coverage.  The fact is, the bowl hosting the title game would even be more relavant since we’d know that the top 16 teams in the nation fought it out fair and square.   Sure, pollsters, voters and computers would still determine the top 16—-but could the “17th” best team in the country really argue that they should have made it in?  That’s crazy.  Teams seeded from 11-16 would be lucky to make it in at all, so teams behind them would have no grounds to gripe.  I would include conference winners, strong runners up and the best independents in the 16 team field.  Once the 16 teams were selected—I might actually go with a completely random bracket to take away any further influence from voters or committees.  Let fate/luck determine who played each other in that opening round.  It would be 16 ping pong balls to group the bracket and no matter what, you’d always have amazing games along the way.  Other option would be to take the top 8 and bottom 8—-then go random with ping pong balls to try to make sure the best teams met in the later games, but with upsets looming, you’d never really know.  Like I said, everyone would be a winner—-every bowl game would become more important than it is now, and make more money.  Networks would go gaga over this—suddenly the Rose Bowl, Outback Bowl, etc. would be extremely important in deciding a National Champion, even if they weren’t hosting the “BIG GAME.”  Colleges/conferences would rake in money hand over fist too.  And fans would get to crown a true champion, not the paper champion we have now.  You’d only extend the season, for the best two teams, by a couple weeks—and by sticking with the 11 game regular season, it would hardly matter.  You could even start a week earlier.  If the best minds in sports got together for a weekend, using my plan—they could fine tune it and present a realistic way to make sure college football’s champion DESERVES to be college football’s champion.  I feel my idea for an 8 or preferably 16 team playoff is a win/win for all involved and it needs to get in front of the right people to become a reality.  I’d love to hear opposing views—-I have thought this through and feel it is the best solution to a big sports problem.

ANGELO’S ANGLES by ANGELO VECCHIO

December 22nd, 2008
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* There was Doc Medich. “Moonlight” Dock Graham. In the world of “Cars,” Doc Hudson. Then there was the Doc with a “K” (”K” for strikeouts that is), Dock Ellis.
Dock Ellis played for my favorite team, the Pirates. He went on to play for the Yankees and others—but made a name for himself in Pittsburgh. He had a great season in 1971 and helped the Pirates get to the World Series. That Pirates team also had a very competent Major League pitcher in Steve Blass. Incredibly, little known rookie pitcher Bruce Kison was the guy who rescued the Pirates from an 0-2 deficit to come back and beat the Orioles to become World Champions. But I digress. Dock Ellis passed away over the weekend. For many, Dock will be remembered more for his appearance on “60 Minutes” than he will for his fine Major Leauge career. For it was on “60 Minutes” that Dock told the world he couldn’t remember throwing a no-hitter on June 12, 1970. He pitched the game while wildly high on LSD. That’s right, no steroids needed. Dock showed the world that if you were willing to drop acid, you could get your game face on. And technically, was LSD banned by Major League Baseball? Dock followed the rules then. But like his contemporaries Dick “Richie” Allen and Bobby Bonds, Dock Ellis had more than a few episodes of defiance. In 1974, Dock announced to teammates that to help the Pirates regain their competitive edge, he was going to take care of their National League rivals, the Cincinnatti Reds. “We gonna get down. We gonna do the do. I’m going to HIT those motherfuckers.” Ellis hit leadoff batter Pete Rose in the ribs. He followed by beaning Joe Morgan on the side and Dan Driessen in the back. The bases were loaded for Tony Perez, who dodged Ellis’ pitches to draw a walk. He threw at Johnny Bench’s head, twice, before he was removed from the game. You just don’t see that sort of dedication to one’s craft anymore. Dock kept it interesting. Dock died of liver disease. I’m NOT a Doc, but I would have to think hard drinking and drug use back in the day might have contributed to his death—he was only in his 60’s. Dock Ellis was one of many colorful characters in 1970’s Major League Baseball. Call him a forerunner to Oil Can Boyd. We tend to complain about these guys during their careers, but you know, I think the zaniness is lacking from today’s game. I loved the goffiness of Mark Fidrych, the unpredictable Dick Allen, guys who wore their first name on their jesey (Vida) and people like Pete Rose, who would plow into other players for a win—even in an exhibition All-Star game. I had nothing against Steve Garvey, but wasn’t it more fun to see the stress between Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson, culminating with Jackson hitting three home runs on three pitches in a deciding World Series game? I miss 1977.

Rod Blagojevich Defeats Tony “Scarface” Montana in 17th Annual “Fuck Off”

December 19th, 2008
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A Rare Loss. Tony Scarface Montana goes down in shame to the Blagojevich Duo.

A Rare Loss. Tony "Scarface" Montana goes down in shame to the Blagojevich Duo.

I was really stunned when this thing went down. Finally two worthy adversaries went head to head in a knock down drag out to crown the world champion of dropping the F-bomb.

This just came across my desk from the newsroom. It’s not even on the regular TSD site yet.

BLAGO AND WIFE vs. SCARFACE:  THE FUCK OFF

 

CHICAGO, IL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) “Why don’t you take your head, stick it up your fucking ass, and see if it fits?” said Tony “Scarface” Montana, played by Academy Award winning actor, Al Pacino. Pacino was in Chicago reprising his iconic role in the 17th Annual Fuck Off, the verbal abuse and jousting tournament, pitting celebrities and fictional characters known for their salty language against each other in a no-words-barred “Battle Royale.”

 

“Fuck you,” came the unimaginative but fearless response from troubled Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, Montana/Pacino’s challenger.

 

“Is that all you’ve got, you stupid fuck?” said Montana/Pacino.

 

Then, Blagojevich launched into a dazzling expletive loaded flurry that stymied the veteran actor. “I will fuck you up real nice and slice off you’re fucking head with a machete and shit down your neck while my wife Patricia motherfucks you up and down, you fucking, drug dealing, pelican gawking, motherfucking fuck.”  

 

Montana/Pacino backed off and attempted to reason with Blagojevich.

 

“Look Rod, I think you’re being a little fucking unreasonable. No use bringing Patricia into this.”

 

With that Patricia Blagojevich, Illinois’ First Lady piled on with her own brand of hardcore Chicago style fuckspeak.

 

“You listen to me you fucked up fuck,” warned Patricia Blagojevich. “Maybe you wear your dick inside your pants down there in Miami. But this is Chicago, bitch. We wear ours right out in the open, you fucking fuck. How about I chop of your balls and send them to fucking Casper Gomez and the fucking Diaz Brothers?”

 

“You win,” said Montana/Pacino. “Congratulations.”

 

Within thirty-four seconds, the Blagojeviches had themselves the trophy – which the Governor plans on selling to the highest bidder.

 

 

 

 

Simpson Finally Gets to Search for Real Killers

December 5th, 2008
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The Juice - Freshly squeezed.

The Juice - Freshly squeezed.

15 years or more.  That’s the sentence.

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. O.J. Simpson is going to prison for at least 15 years, and at age 61, that means he’s looking at getting out at age 76. Not exactly the way the Juice probably planned on spending his retirement. 

But now he gets to look for the real killers he so famously said knocked off wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman shortly after his infamous mid-90’s murder trial.

Is it delayed justice?  Some say it is.  I’m sure the Browns and the Goldmans feel some sense of peace, but I’m sure were hoping O.J. would get a life sentence. 

I am curious to see where and how he actually serves his time. Will he be kept away from other prisoners for “his own protection” or have to live with the rest of the prison population? 

Although a large majority of Americans thought he was guilty of the murders and know 100% he was guilty of his latest crime, it’s still hard to fathom for some reason how a guy who seemingly had everything decline into one of the most universally detested celebrities of all time.  We’re talking about a former Heisman Trophy winner, NFL MVP, and six time Pro-Bowler who had the world by the shorties. I remember seeing him run through airports for Hertz, star in some respectable mid-70’s action thrillers, report from the sidelines on Monday Night Football, and turn in a more than solid comedic performance as Nordberg in the Naked Gun series.  

And he through it all away.  How?  Why? 

He’ll have plenty of time to think about it — and maybe someday let us know. That is, right after he finds the real killers. 

Adios Juice.

ANGELO’S ANGLES by ANGELO VECCHIO

December 4th, 2008
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* Evander, “The Commander” Holyfield has challenged the 7 foot Russian giant Valuev to a title fight, scheduled for December 20.  “The Real Deal” claims that he won’t stop after defeating Valuev.  He wants to unify the titles and take care of those other Eastern Europeans and Rooskies.  “Deal” is around 47 years old and would become the oldest heavyweight champion ever with a win.  He’s giving up a foot in height and God knows how much in weight—along with reach, age, etc.  But “The Commander” is convinced that it’s what’s inside that counts, and he will stun boxing observers with a pre-Christmas victory.   Go to www.evanderholyfield.com to shop for holiday goodies for your loved ones.  “The Holyfield Store” has beautiful shirts (starting at $10.00 for a sleeveless tank—funny, I thought the point of tank tops is that they’re sleeveless).  I have my eye on a $19.99 beauty that “The Real Deal” models, a white jersey with black sleeves, printed with the Holyfield logo.  Holyfield’s site can be a one stop shopping experience for all your gift giving needs.

* WNBA

* Yes, the wide out position in the NFL really is the bad boys network.  Andre Rison, Michael Irvin—and didn’t Zeke Mowatt expose himself to a female reporter in the Patriots locker room a few years ago?  And what about Irving Fryar?  Didn’t he cut his hand before a Super Bowl or something?

Mommas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to be Wide Receivers!

December 2nd, 2008
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The Plaxico Corporation

The Plaxico Corporation

WTF? I mean, WTF? Something just isn’t right. Can somebody please clear this up for me? What is it with NFL wide receivers? 

Let’s start with Randy Moss: Bumping a police officer with his car. Left the field during a game. Mooned Packers fans (OK, two points for style on that one), accused of lack of effort on the field on several occasions, accused of date violence.

Terrell Owens: Almost everything he did with the Philadelphia Eagles. The spitting incident. Trashing Parcells. The Hydrocodone overdose. The Desperate Housewives skit. The endless controversial touchdown celebrations.  

Chad (Johnson) Ocho Cinco: Changed his name to Ocho Cinco in August of this year and keeps a list on how he ranks defensive backs who cover him. Blames the Bengals for everything.

Plaxico Burress: Two domestic disturbances in August and September of this year — and shooting himself in the leg last week.

Is it running the routes that make them crazy?  Is it the double coverage? Is it the high profile, superstar treatment?  What is it that makes them make us say WTF?  I don’t remember John Stallworth or Nat Moore ever making the sports page for anything other than their stats. 

Somebody, please give us an answer. 

Maybe they just figure by being controversial, they can somehow parlay that into a broadcasting or movie career.  And they’re probably right. 

How’s this? Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens are buddy cops in search of a deranged killer played by Plaxico Burress. When they finally come face to face, Burress pulls out an AK-47 — and shoots himself in the leg.  THE END.

Finns with Sticks

December 1st, 2008
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One of Finland’s national pastimes is Nordic Stick Walking. You basically walk on dry ground mimicking cross-country skiing, using specially modified ski poles with rubber tips.  Originally developed in the 1930s as a training technique for some pretty bad-ass skiers during the off-season, it has become a widespread popular activity year round.  And the ladies are crazy for it.
 
It’s not officially recognized as a sport, and if you lived in my neighborhood, you’d see why.  While it can be a good work-out, Nordic Walking is SO not cool to the under-40 crowd.  However, it’s been warmly embraced by the over-50s who tool around in their treaded boots and retired fur coats.  If you are over 80, you pretty much limp around with the poles dragging behind by the straps as if you were walking a couple of blind dogs.  But if you are pushing 90, you use them everywhere and merely to keep upright.
 
One sunny Fall weekend when a friend Hannah was visiting from the States, the sun was out, and a swarm of matching couples were striding along the sea, clacking their sticks with synchronized confidence.  It somehow looked like walking on the moon, or surreally reminiscent of something from Edward Scissorhands’ neighborhood.  It was both odd and fascinating. Hannah asked me if I owned my own sticks, but I said, No way, are you kidding?  I would look so stupid.
 

So for now, I support other people using them.  I mean, it’s fine for them, but I can’t pull that off.
 
Here are some other popular sports in Finland that utilize sticks:
 
Ice Hockey
Field Hockey
Salibandy (Floor Ball)
Javelin Throwing
Pole Vaulting
Fishing
Archery
Golf, golf, golf! 

From Babe Ruth to Tiger Woods

November 25th, 2008
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I was rummaging through some old family photos over the weekend and came across some pictures of one of my favorite uncles. His name was Alec.  A decent athlete in his day, he was a wrestler and football player. His “day” was the late 20’s and early 30’s.  He had serious consideration for playing college football for Duke. A knee injury ended that dream. 

Born in 1912, Alec Alexander saw an awful lot in the sports world. He saw great athletes come and go. He saw significant changes in how we watch sports. He saw records broken and barriers shattered.

He wasn’t the only person to have seen these changes of course. But I stopped to consider for a moment how much he had truly seen — or at least the events that unfolded during his lifetime.  He lived to be 88 years old - Hell, I’ll sign up for a solid 88. 

The first baseball game he went to was in Philadelphia to see the A’s play the Yankees.  That was the 1928 season.  Playing for the A’s near at the end of his career was none other than Ty Cobb.  Of course, there was a guy named Ruth playing on the other side.  Gehrig too. To consider the future Hall of Famers he saw on the field that day, boggles the mind.  The A’s and Yanks were loaded with them. 

In those same years Red Grange and Jack Dempsey were nearing the end.  

Years would pass.  Along came Joe Louis and Jesse Owens.  Bronco Nagurski, Joltin’ Joe, and Teddy Ballgame.

And Jackie Robinson.

These were heroes that existed in theatre news reels, static-filled radio broadcasts and grainy newspaper photos.  They also existed in living color if you were fortunate enough to have a ticket to Yankee Stadium or Madison Square Garden or Shibe Park or…wherever the game or fight or match was being held.

Alec saw these stars.  He followed their exploits along with the rest of his generation.  He was a 20th century man, and it was moving fast, and he was running along side of it, like chasing a train out of the station to wave to a friend.

Then came television.  Mickey, Willie, and the Duke. The Friday night fights. The pro wrestling.  All this too existed in black and white, but it was the greatest leap forward.  It allowed fans to see the game, no matter where they lived, in real time.

Alec saw TV’s first golf hero Arnold Palmer.  Then came Jack. 

He picked up the paper one day in March of 1962 to read about a guy named Wilt Chamberlain scoring 100 points in a basketball game.

Others came along. Ali. Rose. Lombardi. and Simpson.

Alec was a golfer. A pretty good golfer. He’d followed Hogan and Snead and Player. Trying to pick up pointers along the way to better his six handicap. Getting on the course was pretty important to him. Even as his knees and hips gave him trouble, he’d still try to tee it up at least twice a week.  By the time the mid 1990’s rolled around, the affects of Alzheimer’s Disease began to take their toll. At first, he played through it, claiming he was just getting old and forgetful.  But eventually he would have to sit on the sidelines and only watch.

And watch he did.  He saw a kid.  He didn’t look like the typical golfer.  But Alec wasn’t speaking of the kid’s ethnic background.  He was speaking of his character, his approach, and his talent. Through an advancing Alzheimer’s haze, he could see this was something special — that he would once again see a once in a lifetime player — a Ruth, a Grange, an Ali. 

In 1997 Alec saw Tiger Woods beat Tom Kite by twelve strokes to win the Masters.  “This kid has got something special,” he told me that day. “You’re seeing the greatest. He’ll be better than Jack.”

Everytime Woods racks up another major (he’s got 14 now), I think of Uncle Alec and what he said that day.  I think of what he saw in 88 years. 

And I wonder if anyone will ever live through a time like that again.