Sportsman's Daily


Hundreds of Diabetics Protest Outside Sugar Bowl Site

Angry Mob says Watching Game Could Spike Glucose Levels to Danger Zone

Mob of angry diabetics rampage

Mob of angry diabetics rampage outside New Orleans Superdome, site of this year's Sugar Bowl, to protest lack of sensitivity to the insulin-challenged. Players caught in hellacious cross-fire of artificial sweeteners; fans counter by pelting protesters with beignets from the Cafe Du Monde. Unable to resist the delicious powdered pastry, forty protesters treated for sugar shock.

NEW ORLEANS, LA (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — Political correctness often dictates what people write or say in public. Now apparently, next up is medical conscientiousness. Hundreds of diabetics lined the street in front of New Orleans famed Superdome to protest the January 3rd meeting between Notre Dame and LSU. The teams will participate in the Allstate Sugar Bowl. Clem Harding of Biloxi, Mississippi was one of thirty or so Type Two Diabetics who whipped packets of Equal and Splenda at Notre Dame players as they stepped off the team bus.

“Here you go you fuckers,” screamed Harding. "Replace your pralines and apple turnovers with an artificial sweetener and see how it tastes!” The confused players chuckled as they sauntered into the waiting contingent of media.

The diabetics seemed to be broken into two distinct groups: Type Two and insulin dependent Type One diabetics. Interspersed among both factions were small, but sufficiently disruptive militant splinter groups. Marian Fellows, 54, of Norristown, Pennsylvania led a group of Type One radicals with chants of “Trick or treat, smell our feet, how dare you play a game so sweet!” Asked why she was leading many of the protestors Fellows explained, “This is a great game, and it’s nothing against the two teams, but we have to take a stand. Diabetics love football too. But this game is just too sweet for most of us to handle. Even the ads on TV spike us out. Most Type One’s have to go running for their needles. Its glucose heavy. It’s time for an alternative, like the Sweet n’ Low Bowl. Then, nobody gets hurt. What’s the worst the could happen? A little unpleasant aftertaste?”

Sal Morelli a Type Two from New Orleans said, “The thing that gets me is that the game is sponsored by Allstate. They’re an insurance company, you’d think they’d know better. Ok, granted they don’t really offer any health insurance per se, but they’ve got to realize they’re forced feeding us football dipped in chocolate. And I ain’t bitin’ - as much as I’d like to.”

Scattered throughout the throngs of protesting diabetics were about fifty Atkins and South Beach Diet advocates. The low carb dieters understand the evils of sugar. “We’re all brothers and sisters under the pancreas,” Silvia Gordon of Palm Beach, Florida said. “And I’m standing arm in arm with…with…'what’s her name' here to show how much we care.”

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