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Male Figure Skater Admits He’s Straight

Mitch Buchman Says He’s ‘Really Into Chicks’

Mitch Buckman

Mitch Buckman, an avowed heterosexual figure skater, moonlights in an all-male ice "revue" to support "the dream" -- making it to the 2010 Winter Olympics to land some world class tail (according to Buchman, that would be "female" tail).

VANCOUVER, BC (JockStraps Wire Service) —In an odd reversal of recent news of professional athletes coming out about their homosexuality, one of figure skating’s rising stars calls himself ‘uberstraight.’ “I got into this because I’m really into chicks and they look so hot,” said 19 year old skater Mitch Buchman. Buchman is part of a small but growing group of male figure skaters who have “outted” themselves as completely straight.

“I saw old tapes of Katerina Witt doing her thing in Sarajevo in ‘84, and I knew I wanted to switch from hockey right away,” Buchman said. “The look so damn slammin’ in those skirts that flip up when they do a double axle. All I know is I want to get next to as much of that as possible and see what develops. I could give a shit what the guys down at the hockey rink think. I‘m out to get laid!”

Buchman made the switch from competitive hockey six years ago and hopes to land a spot on the US Olympic squad in 2010. However, some Olympic officials are concerned that Buchman’s motivation for participating in the winter games counters what the Olympic spirit is all about. Vancouver Olympics spokesperson Reginald Wenner recently commented on Buchman and some of the other male skaters. “The sport has had a long history of young men in tights with glorious, rippling, ample packages and flushed-faced, high cheek-boned Nordic features that up until now have been viewed as part of an overall sexually ambiguous/quasi-homoerotic tradition. But now these mavericks like Buchman, (Ace) Corley, and (Tim) Jennings want to step in and wipe all that away. We live in a progressive world, but I’m not sure how its all going to play out in the dressing room.”

Pavel Kruscheknin from the Ukraine also recently announced that he is straight. He and Buchman plan on cruising the Olympic Village together on what Buchman calls a “trim hunt.”

“Even though Pavel and I are on opposing teams, we are both after the same thing man, hot tail, and lots of it. And if we can come away with a couple of medals on top of that, sweet. Chicks dig that shit. Let the games begin!”

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