Sportsman's Daily

 

Expired Driver's Licence Prevents Stevie Wonder from Driving Relief Pitchers to the Mound in Fall Classic

Motown Legend To Try Again Next Year, Providing He Passes Driving Test

Stevie Wonder

 

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) —They just called to say, “we need relief” -- until league officials realized his driver's license wasn't "signed, sealed and delivered." In game 4 of the 2006 World Series, Rock and Roll Hall of Famer and legendary Motown superstar Stevie Wonder was to have the distinction of turning back the clock to the 1970’s. During the latter half of that decade, relief pitchers were often driven to the mound in odd looking cars, emerging to a chorus of cheers before staring down opposing batters.

Wonder, who is blind, was to drive the visiting team’s relief pitchers from the bullpen to the mound in a tricked out 1976 Ford Gran Torino. Jimmy Earl Dalton of JED Motors who is supplying the car said, “We tried to get Stevie an automatic transmission jobber to make things go all smooth like, but all we could get was one of them four on the floor manual transmission type deals. But Bud Selig thought it might be a cute idea anyways.”

Earlier this week, the Commissioner's office learned that Wonder's license expired in 1985. Shortly after his participation in the landmark recording of "We Are the World," Wonder went into a twenty-four month depression -- to this day no one knows why, though he was seen during the session in a knock-down, drag-out fight with Michael Jackson, at one point uttering the legendary line, "I may be blind, but I'll still knock that Jeri Curl out your greasy ass."

Wonder’s management team wasn‘t sure at first whether the composer of such classics as “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” and “Superstition” would agree to the idea, but once he felt the Braille of the check it was all systems go. “We were hoping to show the world that Stevie is a complete entertainer.” said Beth Cranson, an assistant publicist. “He’s been joking for years with his drivers about letting him drive. He’s got a wonderful sense of humor. We were hoping he'd have an equally wonderful sense of direction -- I suppose we'll now have to wait and hope Bud Selig invites him back next year -- assuming Stevie remembers how to negotiate that parallel parking thing.”

The news disappointed many observers who were taking bets on whether Wonder made it to the mound in one piece. Major League Baseball was taking no chances. All the players were to be removed from the field and the first three rows of fans on the first and third base sides were to be cleared out during Wonder’s maiden voyage. Still, Wonder was optimistic he’d make it to the mound as long as the pitcher could navigate. “Once I release the clutch, I don’t plan on really going much past second gear. I’ve worked organ pedals before, and I play drums, so it should be similar.” Wonder said. “With so much confusion and craziness in the world, we need love, we need laughter, and hot dammit, I’m gonna provide some all over the damn place.” Maybe next year.

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