NASCAR Driver Rex Johnson Refuses to Drive on (or Near) Jewish Holiday
CHARLOTTE, NC (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — Rex Johnson stunned the NASCAR world when he announced that he will not be driving in the October 29 Bass Pro Shop 500 to belatedly celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, which fell on September 23rd. Having competed in 16 races this year and expected to drive the remaining four events on the 2006 schedule, Johnson opted out of one of the year's most anticipated races.
"I'm sure people are wondering why Rex decided to celebrate the Jewish New Year now, well over a month late, but in this business you can't always pick your spots. It's something he's been real geared up to do since his conversion to the Jewish faith several weeks back," said his crew chief, Marc Finkelstein. "As much as we were looking forward to competing at the Bass Pro Shop 500, we must honor his decision."
Johnson was born a Southern Baptist; news of his conversion, let alone his opting out of the Bass Pro Shop 500 has left many NASCAR observers scratching their heads – when they are not scratching their bellies, belching and inbreeding while enjoying a mid-afternoon interlude of Jerry Springer and warm Budweiser.
“As many of you know, Rex has had several near-death experiences on the track in just the past 18 months, which can test any man’s faith,” said Johnson’s spokesman, Arthur P. Schwartz. “During that time Rex has done quite a bit of soul-searching and has dabbled in everything from Zen Buddhism to aroma therapy. One afternoon in between practice runs he picked up a book on Kabbalah that one of the pit crew left lying around. We couldn’t get him back in his car – he was just immersed. Next thing you know Rex is kicking the tires and taking Judaism out for a test drive.”
Now, just three weeks later, Rex Johnson professes to be a practicing Jew, having joined the Beth Emanuel Temple in Raleigh, North Carolina.
“For thirty two years I was just another schmuck without a clue, looking for answers on a race track, when all that time the answer lay just several miles away, at the Beth Emanuel shul,” said Johnson. “Judaism has filled a void. It has made me a better man and will make me a better driver. Unfortunately my wife is having a hard time making the adjustment – I tell her to be patient, you don’t just wake up one morning and make the perfect matzo ball. But in time, god willing, it will all work out.”
Representatives from Penzoil, Johnson’s sponsor, could not be reached for comment, though word is they are not pleased with Johnson’s decision to have a Star of David emblazoned across the hood of his car.
“I don’t know what Rex is thinking,” said Dale Earnhardt, Jr. “Me, I want Christ riding shotgun. But hey, whatever mishegos works, zeit gezunt.”
The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily