Sportsman's Daily

 

Man Believes He’s Invented New Sport

But a Nation is Puzzled

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LONDON, ENGLAND (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) —Reginald Huffington-Lewis had been working at Number 14 Dorchester for 11 years and admits his life was humdrum. Until last Thursday, Huffington-Lewis worked in the mailroom of the Davidson Group, a swanky Soho advertising agency and escort service. But as Thursday was coming to a close, Huffington-Lewis sprung from his chair and announced he was leaving effective immediately and that he is giving the world a gift.

The gift, which Huffington-Lewis touted so fervently is a new sport which he calls, Grolnk. Londoners are having a difficult time agreeing on an acceptable pronunciation of the game, but nevertheless, Grolnk, or G as it’s being called, is front page fodder for the tabloids. There are already Grolnk T-shirts and coffee mugs being sold at corner kiosks throughout the city. Grolnk is everywhere.

But amateur fry cook Nigel Willingham is part of a growing minority of people who feel Grolnk may not be a new game at all. “A sponge-like ball is volleyed back and forth by a racket over a net. And a series of predetermined rules and point systems are in place to determine the winner,” Willingham said. “I myself have never seen anything like it, but I hear it’s similar to Tennis, a game which I’m unfamiliar with, but apparently has the capacity to be interesting.”

Others are also suspicious Grolnk is a copycat sport. And yet others have a completely different twist on the game. “Young girls adore Grolnk,” BBC Sport Analyst Arthur Frye said in a televised report. “They love slipping on their short skirts and tight tops and frolicking about whacking ground stroke after ground stroke until they work up a singular bead of perspiration that slowly drips from their pursing, full lips. Their hair pulled back into a ponytail sways from side to side in an almost cinematic slow motion as their arching bodies extend themselves impossibly in a heavenly ballet.” Frye was immediately then pulled off the air as the rest of the broadcast was made up of a Rugby score crawl over a freeze-framed image of the Queen.

Huffington-Lewis doesn’t plan on stopping with Grolnk. He claims he’s developing new sports everyday. Next weekend he’s planning on using a melon sized ball that children could kick up and down a large field with the ultimate goal of placing the ball in a net. “It’s like the sports gods are channeling through me,” Huffington-Lewis said in an almost reverent tone. “And I like it a lot.”

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