Sportsman's Daily


Larry Brown Nixed Offer to Replace Bush’s Embattled Chief of Staff

New Book by Former White House Librarian Drops Bombshell

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WASHINGTON, DC (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) —Before the Bush administration named Josh Bolten to replace Andrew Card as the President’s Chief of Staff, senior aides tried reaching out to Hall-of-Fame coach Larry Brown, according to a forthcoming book written by Esmerelda Rodriguez, the White House's lavishly underutilized chief librarian. While Brown has never worked in, around or near government, Rodriguez claims that Bush spent three days meeting secretly with senior aides in the library's children's section -- where, Rodriguez was quick to point out, Bush would read well into the night, nibbling cookies and drinking warm chocolate milk. Impressed by Brown’s controversial tenure with the NY Knickerbockers, Bush believed he was just the man for the job.

“What Esmeralda writes is consistent with what I know and experienced during my three years as an aide to Dick Cheney," said a former senior aide to Dick Cheney -- the first known former Cheney aide to speak out (he spoke to us through a voice descrambler from an undisclosed bunker in North Dakota). "When he’s not reading one of his favorite children's books -- the President will read anything by Roald Dahl and is a big Harry Potter fan -- the President consumes just about anything written on management theory. While reading an article in the Harvard Business Review on the benefits of applying Chaos theory to business management, he happened to be watching a Knicks game on TV. The President called several of us in to watch -- he was amazed at coach Brown’s irrational substitution patterns, the alternating looks of disgust, anger and resignation on the coach’s face, and the complete bewilderment of the Knick’s players. Complete chaos. The fact that the Knicks lost by forty-two points only increased Bush's excitement -- he was convinced there was method in it.. Bush knew instantly that Larry Brown was his man. He had to have Larry Brown.”

As Coach Brown continued to masterfully orchestrate the Knicks dismal season, Bush aides reached out to Brown’s agent, at one point offering to shuttle Brown back to his Hamptons manse on weekends to join his wife and young child.

According to the former Cheney aide, “We had nothing against Josh, who has been a terrific chief-of-staff, but many of us were looking forward to seeing the look on Don Rumsfeld’s face when Larry sat him down. Or watching Condoleeza's face when Larry limits her minutes."

Ultimately, Brown turned down the job, citing poor health. Insiders report there was more to it than that.

“Hey," reasoned the aide, "if he couldn’t handle Stephon Marbury, tell me, how is he going to handle Dick Cheney? You sit Marbury down he scowls and pouts. Try taking the ball out of Cheney’s hands -- next thing you know you’re picking the birdshot out of your face. Who needs it?”

Finally, Bush decided to go with a more conventional choice in Josh Bolten. But according to the unnamed source, “the President remains fully committed to the chaos theory and in applying it to all aspects of his foreign policy.”

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