Sportsman's Daily


Astronomers Demote Yankee Boss from Asteroid to Pocket of Intergalactic Gas


WASHINGTON, DC (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — If you thought Pluto had problems, now comes word that astronomers have also downgraded the status of Yankee Boss George Steinbreinner.

Several years ago, astronomers tracked the halting, yet regular movements of a large, inert object orbiting Yankee Stadium, which turned out to be the Yankee’s principal owner, George Steinbrenner. However, a recent vote by a leading international body of astronomers reclassified Steinbrenner as a relatively benign “intergalactic pocket of gas.”

“The new definition makes perfect sense in terms of the science we know,” said Alan Boss, a planetary theorist at the Carnegie Institution of Washington.

The vote completed a stunning turnaround from a number of weeks ago, when the assembled astronomers had been presented with a proposal that would have included 12 planets, including Pluto, Ceres, Xena and even Pluto’s moon Charon.

Dr. Boss said today’s decision spoke to the integrity of the process by which objects are defined. “The officers were willing to change their resolution and find something that would stand up under the highest scientific scrutiny and be approved,” he said.

Howard Rubenstein’s, Steinbrenner’s long-time public relations representative and close friend, responded to today’s news with the following, “Yesterday an asteroid, today a pocket of gas, tomorrow a black hole…look, we respect the judgment of the scientific community, but bring me an astrophysicist that finds us five more wins a season, then we’ll talk.”

In another development, astronomers are preparing a report that re-classifies former slugger Jose Canseco as a lunar crater -- a downgrade from his previous classification as "retired fool."

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