Sportsman's Daily


Yankees Strength Guru Fired for “Philosophical Differences”


Team's inability to overcome chronic perfomance anxiety lead to firing of Yankees Director of Male Enhancement Sid Jeremy. "If our strength coach had done his job...well, let's just say that even the world's most reliable porn star would have problems performing if he thought he was just one extended three-some away from a serious hamstring injury."

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – Three weeks ago, Yankee GM Brian Cashman quietly fired Director of Male Enhancement Sid Jeremy, no relation to the famous porn star Ron Jeremy, when eight players were unable to perform in “clutch” situations.

A bizarre string of recent hamstring injuries – most recently to pitcher Phil Hughes who took a no-hitter into the seventh innining before pulling up lame – has now resulted in the firing of Marty Miller, the team’s Director of Performance Enhancement, a title bestowed on him when he was hired last winter.

But Miller’s firing wasn’t exclusively due to the rash of hamstring injuries he failed to prevent. According to Cashman, players grew increasingly unresponsive to his “mystical, impenetrable and excessively hostile” approach to conditioning.

“When we interviewed him last winter he was very impressive – he knew all the body parts. Then, before we left, he handed me rubber band and a print out describing eight exercises – two weeks later I’m getting dressed and suddenly I’m like, geez, look at these lats, these pecs! I was amazed what a rubber band and the right instruction could do. What I particularly liked was the minimalism…so we hired him.”

But what Cashman didn’t bank on was Miller’s off-putting combination of minimalism and in-your-face Eastern-style philosophy. Players found Miller’s cryptic “exhortations” bewildering.

“During spring training I introduced myself and said I wanted to work on my legs and increase both my explosiveness off the mound and my flexibility,” said pitcher Mike Mussina, another hamstring victim. “The guy got right up in my face and screamed at the top of his lungs: ‘If you try to aim for it, you are turning away from it.’ He demanded that I repeat it. So I did. Three times. I had no idea what it meant or what it was supposed to accomplish. I studied economics at Stanford, not the collected ramblings of Lao-Tsu.”

Outfielder Hideki Matsui, who was re-activated after a hamstring injury of his own, was initially supportive of Miller. “In Japan Zen Buddhist philosophy is an important part of our training regimen,” he said through a translator. “It relaxes the mind and helps the body prepare. But it takes years of training before a conditioning coach understands how to use Zen in a baseball framework. Some time during the pre-season he approached me in an aggressive manner and yelled ‘Sitting peacefully doing nothing Spring comes and the grass grows all by itself!’ I thought about this for weeks – in fact, I was pondering its meaning when I ran down the fly ball that caused my hamstring to pop.” What Matsui said next didn’t require translation. “Miller-san, he full of shit.”

Yankee Boss George Steinbrenner issued a statement through his spokesman, Howard Rubenstein. “There’s a saying: Before enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water. After enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water. ”

Rubenstein paused as if to let the wise words sink in.

“We’re not sure what it means either, but George went on to express his disappointment that things didn’t work out. He thought the world of Sid Jeremy and hopes to find another Director of Male Enhancement with Sid’s stamina, technique and length.”

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