Sportsman's Daily

 

Super Agent Scott Boras Accused of Harvesting Ballplayer’s Testicles

Goodbye Testicals

Kiss Yer Balls Goodbye!  Agent Scott Boras says the idea of him harvesting testicles is insane – but these waiting room items beg to differ.  

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Super Agent Scott Boras left a court hearing yesterday and refused to speak with reporters after he was accused of harvesting the testicles of the superstar baseball players he represents.
 
“That’s absolutely ludicrous,” barked T. Everett Harper, a member of Boras’ legal team. “Besides, he returned the testicles.”
 
Boras, considered the richest and toughest negotiator in sports, represents superstars like Manny Ramirez, Prince Fielder, and Mark Teixeira. It is not known whether Boras had possession of any of their testicles, but on Monday was caught fondling the underpants of Julian Tavarez.
 
“I’m not sure what we’re dealing with here,” said Claire Besecker of the Pro-Life Action League. “Perhaps we can save those testes and put them back in the scrotums of the people they originally belonged to, or any willing Catholic man. Personally, I’d like to get a closer look at them.”
 
Harvesting testicles is illegal in most states.
 
The theory behind the practice is to remove healthy testes that possess the desired DNA code, in this case that of talented baseball players, and use them to grow additional testicles and preserve the potential for high ceiling talent.
 
“It’s different than a sperm bank,” said Dr. Lawrence Gutterman. “Harvesting testicles can last centuries. It has been suggested that teams would even consider trading players for testicles – as the Los Angeles Angels nearly did last year when they suggested moving Gary Matthews Jr. for the balls of retired player Bo Jackson and some well preserved pubic hair.”
 
Boras is scheduled for a second court date on November 17, when he is expected to produce a vile of semen and the foreskin of Ron Villone.”

» Read More Baseball Articles

AUTHORS

The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot

CHARLES EPSTEIN

TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot

TOM ALEXANDER

TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

ANGELO VECCHIO

DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio

KATIE RINKI

Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio