Sportsman's Daily


Texas Rangers’ Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s Last Name Makes Teammates Hungry for Italian

By Fifth Inning Most Players are Jonesin’ for Lasagna

veal milanese

Friggin’ Beautiful. A skillfully prepared Veal Milanese awaits Texas Rangers pitcher Jamey Wright, who hired Chef Mario Fanucci to make the Italian delicacy especially for him. Wright has gained eighteen pounds since Jarrod Saltalamacchia played his first game with the Rangers on August 1, 2007.

ARLINGTON, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Not only does new Ranger’s Catcher-First Baseman Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s fourteen lettered surname give him the longest moniker in Major League history, it’s having a strange effect on his teammates. “That dude’s got one of those names that when you hear it, you just can’t help but think of a nice Bruchetta or some Lasagna or a gorgeous Veal Saltimbocca or a lovely Chicken Milanese,” said outfielder Marlon Byrd. “As soon as the game’s over, I’m hittin’ the spread in the locker room like a motherfucker.”

Other players feel exactly the same way. “It’s a trip,” says Frank Catalanotto, a teammate also of Italian heritage. “My name kind of sounds like a dessert from the Genoa region, and sometimes guys will get a hunger pang if my name is announced over the PA, but nothing like Saltalamacchia. I mean listen to that name – Saltalamacchia – it makes your mouth water. Sounds like tender veal dripping with cheese and a fresh tomato-garlic-basil sauce with a splash of red table wine and perhaps a hint of rosemary and salt and pepper to taste. Maybe toss in some fresh artichokes and a beautiful fennel sausage. Bake a 350 for half an hour, let stand for fifteen minutes and serve. Fuckin’ A!!”

“I’ve been around baseball for forty-seven years,” clubhouse attendant Wally Kerdesky said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s not like one of those old Warner Brothers cartoons where some poor and hungry hobo looks at Daffy Duck and then has hallucinations of him served legs up on a plate with those little potatoes and sprig of parsley. This is for real. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if one day, they don’t actually try and eat the dang fella.” Kerdesky paused a moment and added, “Over a bed of Papardelle in a veal stock gravy with mushrooms and side of steamed endive with extra virgin olive oil and lemon.”

Even Saltalamacchia seems to be at a loss to explain the strange phenomenon.

“I can’t figure it out,” the 6’4” slugger said. “When you hear the Latin guy’s names announced you aren’t craving Arroz con Pollo. But suddenly I play, and by the fifth inning guys are making dinner plans.”

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