Sportsman's Daily


Rahm Emanuel’s Fearsome Intensity Forged in Chicago’s Toughest Ballet Studios


Rahm Emanuel, named President-elect Barack Obama’s chief-of-staff, dusts off the dance moves that strike fear in the hearts of his opponents.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In appointing the legendary rage-a-holic Rahm Emanuel as his chief-of-staff, President Elect Barack Obama praised him as a no-nonsense guy who gets things done. But in sharp contrast to his preternaturally calm new boss, the Chicago native many call Rahmbo is known for in-your-face, over-the-top rants, hyper-aggressive strong-arming, and his take-no-prisoners approach to politics. In short, he’s an asshole, but by all accounts, a highly effective asshole.    
Those who know the Illinois Representative best speak of the underlying discipline and unwavering focus in the midst of even his most unhinged outbursts. Many attribute this to Emanuel’s formal training as a ballet dancer, which they also suggest might also account for his compensatory fury.
“I’ve known Rahm for twenty years, he’s a friend, and I’ll be the first to admit that he’s an insufferable jerk, a Grade A a-hole, a complete prick,” said a former Clinton staffer. “But when you realize the years of endless repetition in some of Chicago’s toughest dance studios and the superhuman precision required to execute a series of moves en pointe you start to see where it comes from. There’s a lot of pent up rage that ballet gives no outlet for. You can’t even hit on the girls in the troupe as no one believes you’re not gay, no matter how many adjustments you need to make to your tights.”

Senator Lindsey Graham worked with Emanuel during the Clinton years and worked closely with him during the presidential debate negotiations which, according to Graham, were completed in record time.

“When we hit a rough spot, he always looked for a path forward.  I consider Rahm to be a friend and colleague.  He's honest, direct, and candid. And as many of my colleagues who’ve been humiliated and physically assaulted during a closed door meeting will attest, he’s tough. Don’t be fooled by that ballet crap – if you’ve ever seen Rahm in leotards, you don’t have to strain too hard to see he’s got a set of balls.”    

“Though a word of caution: If you find yourself alone in his office and suddenly you hear the first stirrings of Swan Lake, I strongly recommend you protect your privates,” Graham continued, an impish grin spreading across his face. “You can be on the other side of the room and in one graceful leap he’s on you like a cross between Baryshnikov and Bruce Lee.  Expect a swift, classically executed kick in the crotch. You’ll be stunned, doubled over and dry heaving…but three minutes later you’re marveling at the speed and exquisite precision of his footwork.”

Lindsay Graham aside, most of Emanuel’s congressional colleagues find his frightening tirades more ballistic than balletic, though even his staunchest critics look forward to a period of bi-partisan cooperation when the Obama administration takes office.  

“We once presented him with a pair of bronzed ballet slippers as a peace offering,” said a Republican Congressman. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a pair of bronzed ballet slippers shoved up your ass? Though in the spirit of bi-partisanship I’ll have to admit that it’s preferable to having a cowboy boot shoved up your ass. Rahm will be a huge improvement over Dubya and Dick.”


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