Sportsman's Daily


Eighteen Marauding Quidditch Players Arrested for Sodomizing Patrons at Ten London Pubs


Qudditch players pose for team photo before embarking on an all night orgy of "magical ass-fucking."

LONDON, ENGLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — As millions around the globe eagerly await publication of the last book in the spectacularly successful Harry Potter series, a roving band of angry, liquored up Quidditch players terrorized patrons at a succession of London pubs in what one called “an all-night orgy of magical ass-fucking.”

“At first we thought, heh, just a bunch of rowdy rugby players, throwing off their knickers and raising holy hell,” said Roddy Donnelly, who witnessed the incident while knocking back a pint at the popular Cock and Bull. “I mean, I seen it countless times before – the fellas stark raving naked, their exposed members flappin in the breeze. Just boys being boys. That is until I see one of em wave a wand and suddenly there appeared a long, large object that swooped in from an open window and locked in on the anus of poor Seamus O’Toole.”

The “large object” turned out to be a twenty inch “magic” ass-seeking dildo that sent patrons scrambling (we've since learned the dildos are actually based on Bludger technology -- which are aggressive, self-powered, self-guided missles used in Quidditch). The Quidditch players howled with delight as the magical dildo repeatedly found its mark.

“It was plain nasty,” said Reg McIntyre, who was treated for anus burns at London Jewish Memorial. “The thing let off a high-pitched squealing sound as it soared straight for your hind quarters. Once it hit paydirt, you felt a burning sensation. It was over in a blink of an eye, but the bugger made its presence felt, I tell you.”

The Quidditch players – and their assortment of magical dildos – continued their assault through the night, wreaking havoc on a succession of local bars, including the Ball and Stick, the Beef & Chuck, Ye Merrie Tingler, Hank’s, the Pump Room, the Hooded Owl and the Rod and Reel.

Quidditch Commissioner Severus Dickering promised to “get to the bottom” of the incident (quickly adding, “in a manner of speaking”), and vows to mete out stiff fines (again, quickly adding, “in a manner of speaking”), to those responsible for using the magical dildos “for unsanctioned purposes.”

“While we were all a bit disappointed to learn there were to be no Quidditch matches in Ms. Rowling’s final book, that’s no excuse for this kind of behavior,” thundered Dickering. “As any Harry Potter fan knows full well, magic is strictly forbidden outside of our world. Rest assured: the perpetrators will be brought to justice.”

While “magical dildos” are available for purchase online, they do not appear to be affiliated with the Harry Potter franchise.

“We got magical dildos in all shapes and sizes,” said Sid Blatt, President and CEO of Fort Lauderdale-based Magical Dildos, Inc., “In fact, we’re doing a special promotion: send us the UPC of the latest Harry Potter book and we’ll include the Seeker -- a dildo extender – for free.”

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