Sportsman's Daily

 

Philadelphia Overwhelmingly Supports Phillies, Though Twelve Percent Still Undecided

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, a backwoodsman from W. Virginia, is also undecided – he can’t decide between the sautéed muskrat or raccoon goulash.   

PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) To the untrained eye, Philadelphia sports fans are raucous, boorish, and, on balance, more drunk than sober, but just under their uncivilized veneer gently throbs a surprising sensitivity, a byproduct of years of near-misses and crushing disappointment.

As the Phillies await the outcome of the ALCS to see who they’ll be playing in the World Series, their fans seem to have moved (temporarily) beyond their hard-earned fatalism to what can best be described as “cautious optimism.”  But a large number of self-identified Phillies fans remain undecided, as a recent poll indicates that over 12% are unwilling to emotionally commit.

“I’ve watched this team for one hundred and sixty-two regular season games and yet I feel there’s a lot about this team that we don’t know,” said Alex Romo, a 38-year old nurse from a Philadelphia suburb. “(Phils Manager) Charlie Manuel seems like a perfectly ok guy, but let’s face it – he’s a backwoods hick who makes Jethro Bodine look like an investment banker from Goldman Sachs. In the bottom of the ninth when the manager has to make a critical decision, do I really want Charlie Manuel making the proverbial 3 AM call to the bullpen? I’d rather have Sarah Palin perform emergency heart surgery with a pen light and rusty hacksaw than leaving it to Charlie Manuel to make a double switch.”

A number of undecideds point to slugger Ryan Howard, whom they view as “risky” in late-game situations with men on base.

“In all three games I attended this year, Howard was completely unclutch, popping up or striking out with the game on the line,” said Sam Izzo, a South Philly native. “In the post-season you want a steady hand at the tiller. I’ve been an ardent Phillies supporter for over twenty years…but Howard is just too erratic and prone to distracting, completely transparent stunts – like the time he was slumping and suspended an at-bat to book a session with his shrink. I’ve just been burnt too many times – by the Phillies, Eagles and Sixers – to put my mental well-being at risk.”

Hairdresser Samantha Power is also undecided, as are many of her patrons. “A lot of us are torn. We can’t decide who’s hotter – Pat Burrell or Chase Utley. Call me a front runner, but Pat’s gone deep three times in the post-season. And you know what they say – girls like the long ball.”

Late Thursday, there were reports of Philadelphia-area fans being bombarded with “robo-calls” smearing the Tampa Bay Rays for “palling around with fair-weather fans” and for looking at the Fall Classic  “not like you or I do.” The calls turned out to be moot, as the Boston Red Sox staved off elimination with a miraculous come-from-behind victory.

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