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Patriots Unnerved by Vulgarity of Joey Porter's Taunts

Dolphins linebacker throws Pats off game with an unending string of off-color insults and sexual single-entendres.

Joey_Porter

Joey Porter limbers up his mouth prior to Sunday's shocking
win over the Patriots. The Pats had no answer for Porter's taunts and
innuendo.

FOXBOROUGH, Mass (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — The lowly Miami Dolphins shocked New England 38-13 on Sunday, ending the Patriots' NFL mark of 21 straight regular-season wins that began after a 21-0 loss to the Dolphins on Dec. 10, 2006. The Patriots were off-balance
all-day, as their offense sputtered and their defense was shockingly inept, with four scores coming on direct snaps to Miami running back Ronnie Brown.

"Any other day we stop that play at least once," said Patriots safety Rodney Harrison, referring to the direct snap that resulted in four touchdowns. "We let Joey Porter get in our heads. The mouth on that guy, sheesh. Nothing's off limits – if it's not the 'c' word it's the 'mf' word. At one point I pulled him aside and said, 'hey, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.' He said ok, shook my hand and complimented my wife on the size of her breasts and her ability to perform a certain sex act involving a rolling pin, a staple gun and a studded dildo. Can you believe that guy? What a cad."

Earlier in the week, Porter said beating the Patriots without Brady "shouldn't be that hard." From there the taunts got increasingly unprintable, as Porter resorted to sending Patriots players and coaching staff text messages and bulk email through the week.

"I'm not going to stand here and claim that I was shocked – I mean, yo momma this, yo momma that, I've heard it all before," said linebacker Tedy Bruschi. "It's just that we didn't have any real solid come-backs to shut the guy the heck up. As an organization we do a lot of things well, but thinking on your feet is discouraged. Coach Belichick believes in preparation, which in his book means as little in-game thinking as possible. My first year here I was running back to the sidelines, took off my helmet, looked up at the scoreboard and scratched my head. He grabbed me by the neck and goes 'Knock it off, Einstein. If I wanted thinkers I'd be recruiting linebackers from MIT."

After the stunning loss, Patriots' wide receiver Randy Moss sat by his locker and fumed.

"Before I came to this organization I'd a got in that guy's face and given him a what-for," said an agitated Moss. "But here that kind of talk is frowned upon. At one point Porter actually pulled his penis from his pants and asked if any of us would care to pleasure him. Not in those exact words, of course. Two, three years ago I would have seen him and raised him three inches. But this organization doesn't tolerate that kind of thing -- if anyone spots you with your manhood exposed outside of the locker room, it better be cause you had to pee really bad."

Ironically, Coach Belichick ended his post-game press conference with a highly uncharacteristic string of expletives.

"The motherfuckers in that locker room better grow a set of balls by next week," said Belichick. "To let some foul-mouthed punk come into our house and throw us off our game is un-fucking-acceptable. " When reminded that his players are loathe to traffic in "trash-talk" owing to the organization's dim view of such behavior, Belichick went off on another expletive-filled tirade. The Patriots' PR director Randy Hofstader tried bringing the session to a close, and had to wrestle the mic from Belichick's hands.

"Coach Belichick apologizes for his off-color remarks, which were clearly prompted by the outcome of today's game," said Hofstader, after a red-faced Belichick was hustled off the stage by team officials. "If I know Bill he'll use the bye week to prepare the team for the game against the 49ers with a set of pre-programmed responses so this doesn't happen again."

A member of Belichick's staff said he expects to be spending the next couple of weeks studying film of Red Foxx, Don Rickles and Dennis Leary to cull scripted come-backs. "Bill is leaving it to us, as he will be the first to admit he's completely humor-impaired. Our number one goal right now is to prepare the guys with killer material. It will be like having Don Rickles in the huddle. And while we'd all love to see TB (Tom Brady) back taking snaps, with all due respect, he's no Don Rickles."

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