Sportsman's Daily


O.J. Simpson Looking Forward to Being Somebody’s Bitch for Twenty to Life

OJ Simpson

Truth Hertz. O.J. Simpson, football player, actor, Hertz spokesperson, and high profile criminal, is shown here putting on the face that earned him the coveted Rumpy for most honest portrayal of a guy about to get raped in prison.

LAS VEGAS, NV (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — O.J. Simpson was found guilty on multiple charges including kidnapping, and faces possible life in prison. He’s scheduled for sentencing December 5, 2008.

“I’m looking forward to a new chapter in my life,” said Simpson. “People who know me know I’m always looking to try new things – I guess one of the new things will be taking it in the rump from tattoo-covered white supremacists.”

“There is a bitch hierarchy which many people on the outside don’t even know about,” said Bertrand Clovis, a social worker from San Quentin Prison. “It is a rather elaborate but often confusing right of passage. What happens is the main ‘Daddy’ might be in the infirmary after having been beaten with an ill-gotten pipe. When he returns he realizes his prime piece of tail has suddenly been had by Thunderbang, one of the underbosses – and that’s it, he’s not the ‘Daddy’ anymore. I liken it to how Brezhnev rose to power in 1964.”

Many Americans upon hearing the news of Simpson’s guilty verdict, looked at the decision as long overdue justice – retribution for having walked in his highly publicized murder trial.

“This is a good day,” said Leonard Kotchman, who owns a string of dry cleaning establishments in Brentwood, California, Simpson’s former hometown, “He stiffed me for $178.55 for three suits and six shirts. They’re still hanging on the rack. He won’t be needing them anymore, so I’m putting them on eBay.”

Simpson, given his fame, feels some of the ritualistic protocol may go out the window in his case.

“Look folks, if I’m going to be ham slammed by the top dog, I’m staying with the top dog,” the 61 year old Hall of Famer quipped. “I might be a thieving, murdering, plotting, kidnapping, knife-wielding, gun-toting asshole – but I’m a ‘loyal’ thieving, murdering, plotting, kidnapping, knife-wielding, gun-toting asshole.”

» Read More Football Articles


The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot


TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot


TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio


DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio


Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio