Sportsman's Daily

 

Four Out of Five NASCAR Drivers Depend on DEPEND®

Driving 950 miles in diapers to kill a romantic rival not so crazy after all.

Nascar Depend diaper

Official NASCAR waste retardant/leak inhibitor eliminates unnecessary pit stops.

DAYTONA, FL (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — The nation was stunned when it was learned that 43 year old astronaut, Captain Lisa M. Nowak, drove from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers.

Affairs of the heart have been known to drive even seemingly well-adjusted people insane. So it was not necessarily the news that a highly trained astronaut went on a crazed cross-country tear with the intent to kill a romantic rival with a steel mallet and rubber hose that struck so many as unusual. It was the fact that she was wearing diapers. Adult diapers, yes, but diapers nonetheless.

It now turns out that adult diapers – or “adult absorption products” -- are a staple of NASCAR. According to Bobby Ray Ellison, a senior member of Jeff Gordon’s pit crew, “You’re driving for several hours, lap after lap after lap, in a hot car, keeping yourself hydrated. You can hold it in for only so long. And what are you gonna do, take 30 seconds to hit the head when races are decided by milliseconds? Hell no. You’re gonna pee in your pants, which are specially equipped to absorb up to two quarts of urine.”

The “specially equipped pants” to which Ellison referred are actually standard issue fire retardant racing pants fitted with an extra-absorbent diaper – though no one affiliated with NASCAR would admit that four out of five drivers actually depend on DEPEND®.

“Hell, it’s a great idea, I wear em all the time,” said die-hard NASCAR fan and long-haul trucker Hal Buckley. “I’m on the road, slamming back cups of Joe trying to get from point A to point B fastest way possible. I don’t always have time to stop the rig, hop out and take a long, leisurely leak. If I gotta go, hell, I’m gonna go. If I need a change, I'll just slide out of the thing, toss it out the window, slide into my backup and I’m good to go.”

While absorption products are available in a wide variety of styles and absorbency levels to meet every NASCAR driver’s personal preference and need, most prefer to use moderate to heavy male absorption pants, though some find it restrictive and prefer the Easyfit Belted Shields.

News of NASCAR's widespread use of adult absorption products was not lost on Captain Nowak's attorney Robert Wolff who insists that the diapers worn by his client is not an indication of mental imbalance, but rather an indication of progressive time-management skills honed as a NASA astronaut.

"The idea that Captain Nowak is ipso facto crazy because she took precautions is in itself crazy," said Ms. Nowak's attorney Robert Wolff. "If diapers are good enough for NASCAR, they're good enough for the space program. To say otherwise is to slander the fine men and women who risk not only their lives suspended high above the earth's atmosphere, but risk diaper rash as well. Which is no picnic, particularly at zero gravity."

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