NBA’s Top Mop Boy Gets Five Year Contract with Sixers
Whiz Kid Can Swab Excess Sweat at Blinding Speeds; Endorsement Deals Looming
Slip Slidin’ Away. Spurs and Lakers players fumed over not having adequate mop boys on their teams during last season.
PHILADELPHIA, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Darnellius Crawford has prevented many NBA players from serious injury by just doing his job – as simple as it may be. Crawford, who was named the Philadelphia 76ers youngest mop boy in team history last season at the age of twelve, was offered a five year deal making him the richest mop boy in the league. The terms of the deal were not disclosed. During timeouts mop boys are responsible for mopping and drying wet spots on the floor that develop as players begin to perspire.
“We’re thrilled to have locked up Darnellius for five years. He’s really terrific,” said Ed Stefanski, GM of the Sixers. “He not only brings his renowned adroit swabbing acumen and dynamic court sense to the game, but has a definite flair for entertaining the fans fortunate enough to enjoy courtside seats with his rhyming raps touting the importance of cleanliness and a dry floor.”
“I know the value of a good mop boy,” said Sixers new acquisition, Elton Brand. “If you’ve ever slipped on Kwame Brown’s stank ass perspiration, I think you know what I’m talking about.”
Crawford addressed the media shortly after he signed the contract. Flanked by his mother Thelma, and father Reggie, the thirteen year old broke into a spirited rap extolling the virtues of proper cleaning solutions: “Spray a fast drying squirt – if you’re knockin’ out the dirt. If you wanna dry the sweat – clockwise mopping’s a sure bet. Keep it safe – don’t use the toxics, or player’s wind up on their coccyx. Keep it dry on a positive tip – then no one will ever get the slip.”
There’s added excitement this year in Philadelphia about the Sixers’ chances after making the playoffs last season. With the acquisition of Brand and now the signing of the league’s premier mop boy, fans have something to look forward to.
“Adding Brand is a beautiful thing,” said long time season ticket holder Angelo Gargano of Paoli, Pennsylvania, a Philadelphia suburb. “But seeing this kid squeegee up the sweat of Andre Iguodala and some gorgeous hocker snot courtesy of Theo Ratliff is why I’m spending the extra bucks for seats behind the basket.”
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