Sportsman's Daily


AIG Buys Mets; Immediately Gives Whopping Bonus to Fired (Former) Manager Willie Randolph

Western Union

Bonus Baby! Willie Randolph’s preferred address is any AIG building. As long as the President allows him keep his bonus.

FLUSHING, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Insurance giant American International Group (AIG) is the new owner of the New York Metropolitans National League Baseball Club, better known as the Mets.

On the heels of their massive bailout and controversial bonus payouts; several of which are to former employees, AIG used another significant portion of the money they received from the U.S. government and purchased the financially strapped Mets.

“We’re thrilled to own the Mets,” said AIG Chairman and CEO Edward M. Liddy during a press conference yesterday in Washington. “I’m a huge Tommie Agee fan.”

The Sportsman’s Daily informed Liddy that Agee hasn’t played for the Mets since 1972 and has in fact been dead since 2001.

“Oops,” added Liddy who was in the nation’s capitol to testify before the House Financial Services subcommittee. “Guess I haven’t seen a sports page in a while. Still, I want Mets fans to know we’re an active partner, and I might add that the Mets faithful will be happy to know we’re going to be competitive in the American League West, er…uh, National League West, er…uh…I mean…uh. Can somebody please get me a fucking sports page all up in this bitch??!!”

The real stunner came later when Liddy admitted the team will pay former manager Willie Randolph an estimated eight million dollar bonus. Randolph, who was fired by the Mets on June 17, 2008, says he’ll return the money if the President asks him. “To be honest, I could use the extra eight large if you know what I’m saying. But if the Big O says it’s bad for business, who am I to argue? But I hope he lets me keep it.”

“Why did we do it?” added former AIG CEO, Martin J. Sullivan. “Because we can. Because things are completely fucked up around the globe and we’re adding to the misery, chaos, and utter destruction of all things sacrosanct and pure. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to plunge my claw into the chest of a nine year old boy and devour his still-beating heart with a side of endive and a 2005 Chateau Les Millaux. Au revoir fuckers!”

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