Sportsman's Daily


New Red Sox Hurler Matsuzaka To Face Godzilla in First Spring Training Game

Japanese Movie Behemoth Will Try to Catch Up with Fabled Gyroball


The Ultimate Hibachi: This is what could be in store for Daisuke Matsuzaka if he decides to throw a little chin music Godzilla's way. It could be a tough injury to return from.

FORT MYERS, FL (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — That deafening buzz you hear in Red Sox camp has centered around new pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. Nearly 120 Japanese journalists have been assigned to cover the highly touted hurler’s journey through American baseball. Word spread quickly that Matsuzaka throws the infamous gyro ball, a mystery pitch that apparently defies the law of physics and reduces batters to simpering schoolgirls. Speculation still swirls around whether he actually throws it. But apparently Boston College is taking no chances and is preparing to throw the foreign fireballer into the inferno, literally.

March 2nd will be Matsizaka’s first spring training outing against the BC Eagles. And they’ve signed legendary Japanese movie monster Godzilla to a one game contract to hit cleanup.

Godzilla stands nearly 350 feet high and weighs 60,000 metric tons and breathes radioactive fire. Though his baseball skills have diminished in recent years, if he starts his swing early enough, he can still hit the ball about 15,000 feet. New BC head coach Mikio Aoki, who strangely enough has some Japanese ancestry, understands what the match up means.

“Godzilla is one tough hombre,” said Aoki. “You notice when he’s up to bat. Of course he’ll be using a bat fashioned from a redwood tree which should give him a bit more plate coverage. We know Matsuzaka can be intimidating, but I’ve got to give the edge to the big guy if you’re talking about intangibles.”

Former Godzilla opponents, Mothra and Ghidrah on hand in Fort Myers for a short stay concur Godzilla is not to be underestimated. Mothra spoke through interpreters the Infant Island Twins, who often communicate with him through song. “Mothra says,” the twins said “The big G is relentless and fearless. What he lacks in speed and skill he more than makes up for in raw strength and nuclear breath that can really put a crimp in your day.”

Ghidrah, the three-headed flying space monster who’s come up against Godzilla on several occasions, didn’t speak, but instead made his point clear by taking to the air and launching an aerial fire-breathing assault on several oil refineries, hospitals, and the Cleveland Avenue location of Hooters.

Godzilla was unavailable for comment, but a Toho Studios representative speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “I hope the Red Sox took a pretty big insurance policy out on Matsuzaka, because if he comes in high and tight on the first pitch, I sure as hell don’t want to be him when Godzilla charges the mound.”

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