Sportsman's Daily


Martha Stewart Gives Mark Cuban Useful Tips for Prison Living

Mark Cuban

Mavs owner Mark Cuban will have to do some real fancy footwork to avoid doing the cha-cha behind bars.

Martha Stewart Gives Mark Cuban Useful Tips for Prison Living
WESTPORT, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If anyone can spruce up a prison cell and add zest to an uninspired prison meal, it’s former convict Martha Stewart. In 2004, Stewart served a five-month prison term for insider trading, and spent an additional five months under home confinement. On Monday, the Securities and Exchange Commission filed a civil suit charging Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban with insider trading for selling shares of a small Internet search company in 2004, just before its share price fell.

“There’s a big difference between doing time and using your time creatively,” said Stewart in an email she sent unsolicited to Cuban, an acquaintance. “A prison cell is only as confining as your imagination.  Think of it as a modest Hampton’s getaway without a staff to boss around, expensive Swiss chocolate on the satin pillows, and the lavish five-course dinner parties. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add a touch here and a touch there to make your stay in the joint livable. ”      

Stewart’s leaked email provided Cuban with a number of practical tips to ease the strains and hardships of incarceration.  

“Prison is an olfactory nightmare,” Stewart continues. “Right off the bat you’ll need a deodorizer for the toilet – anything citrus-y you can smuggle in from lunch will do. Squeeze a lemon onto a napkin, dampen it with water, and drape it over the toilet when it’s not in use. You’ll thank me later.”

Stewart also provided tips on dealing with surly prison staff.

“It’s hard getting use to at first, but expect push-back from the staff.  When they say lights out, it’s lights out. You can’t appeal to the League Office.  And the last thing you’ll want to do is publicly challenge the warden.  He’s not David Stern. In the joint, there’s no such thing as a slap on the wrist, unless it’s another inmate’s idea of rough foreplay.”

Stewart provided tips on entertaining (“always expect an uninvited guest for an after dinner snack”), crafts (‘there are more uses for a shank than knifing a fellow inmate in the back – for instance, it’s great for tenderizing meat in a pinch”), making guests/visitors feel at home (“add hints of color to your drab prison pajamas --  not that it will do any good, as friends and colleagues visiting from the outside don’t really want to be there”), and how to celebrate the holidays on the inside (“if you’re lucky the Mavericks will be playing on Christmas day and you’ll get to watch on the large screen TV.  But if you’re going to whine like a bitch over every itty bitty foul call, expect to be treated like a bitch immediately following the game”).

Cuban thanked Stewart for giving him the benefit of her experience behind bars, though he vows to fight the SEC “with every fiber of my being.”  

“If anyone knows how to turn a prison cell into a bare bones bed and breakfast it’s Martha – which is a good thing,” said Cuban. “But thinking back, I don’t know how I got into this mess.  For what, $750,00? I’ve lost more than that in fines for arguing calls.  How am I going to argue calls from the inside and make Stern’s life miserable? I’ll have to ask Martha.”

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