Sportsman's Daily


Mariners Get Hot Just in Time to Fully Enjoy Post-season from Sofa

Jamie Burke

Burke’s Quirk. M’s catcher Jamie Burke actually enjoys some well-plotted depression. Here he’s dreaming about a long and difficult winter.

SEATTLE, WA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Seattle Mariners made it their mission to prove to the rest of the American League they’re no pushovers – and it only took them four and a half months to do it. The M’s poured it on in the second half of August which will give them the extra emotional boost when the team collects at Adrian Beltre’s house to enjoy the baseball playoffs on his 52 inch plasma.

“We can honestly say we’re Major Leaguers worthy of playing on the same field as say the Angels and Rays,” said reliever J.J. Putz. “This hot streak really has us thinking what could have been. And that’s a pretty nice feeling.”

Putz paused a moment to contemplate his previous thought. “Actually ‘what could have been’ is really depressing. Maybe we should just fuck it up the rest of the way so we can confirm the fact that we suck and are aimlessly drifting in the backwash of a stunningly ill-conceived season.”

“The idea of us getting hot now is ironic on like twenty-three different levels,” said veteran starter Jarrod Washburn. “It’s sort of like being forced to sit through two hours of a Dane Cook routine just to get to one decent joke. Hello? Can someone say abysmal?”

Most of the Mariners players say they plan to attend the three week post season fest at Beltre’s sprawling estate.

“I for one am looking forward to it,” said backup catcher Jamie Burke. “Personally there’s a sort of comfort factor in knowing you completely blow. ‘No expectations, no disappointments’ I always say. For me, sitting around a tastefully decorated mansion with strippers walking around and booze flowing to a pulsating soundtrack of Tim McCarver analyzing the obvious is exhilarating. Toss in a group of underachieving malcontents demanding trades or opting out of contracts and its dysfunctional bliss.”

» Read More Baseball Articles


The Authors of The Sportsman’s Daily

Charles Epstein Headshot


TSD Editor-In Chief and TSD Weekend Show co-host.
Read bio

Tom Alexander Headshot


TSD Executive Editor and TSD Weekend Show host.
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio


DC's Foremost Authority on His Own Opinion
Read bio

Angelo Vecchio


Helsinki Rinki with Katie Rinki
Read bio