Sportsman's Daily


It’s Official: LeBron’s Got the World by the Balls

Global Testicles Located South of Equator in Peru


LeBron James has allowed this Peruvian tourist to get a first hand feel of what Earth’s balls are like. The balls have been open to the public since the Cavaliers’ star has possessed them. The world’s balls have given our planet significant “say so” over other small planets like Venus and Mercury. Other people who have had the world by the balls over the years include Charlie Chaplin, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Tiger Woods, and for a short time, P Diddy.

CLEVELAND, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James felt that he had them in his grasp for the past couple of years. In fact, he even went as far to say he could smell it. But on Thursday the Peruvian government officially proclaimed James has the world by the balls. James arrived in Lima, Peru on Wednesday night to prepare for the ritual-heavy ceremony which included climbing a scaffold and gripping the dangling testicles for eight consecutive hours. “They were spongey and a lot smaller than I expected them to be,” James said. “They look real old. There’s a heck of a lot of history there. When I think of all the dudes that had them in their hands, it really makes me realize how lucky I am.”

The history the Cavs forward referred to reads like a who’s who of international celebrities including Frank Sinatra, John F. Kennedy, and The Beatles. “Having the world by the balls is largely a figure of speech to most people,” said Peru’s Prime Minister Jorge Del Castillo. “In fact, most people don’t even know they actually exist -- but they do exist and we’ve got them where we want them. Right here.”

In 1881 the global testicles were discovered in a remote area swinging from a cliff by John Byron Cleaves, a British doctor who published a series of papers which put into motion a controversial theory that was largely dismissed by mainstream scientists of the day. We now of course know that Cleaves theory was correct. He stated in “Surprise: Mother Earth Has a Wanker” a collection of essays written from 1869 through 1874 that “the earth is a living thing and therefore must have a sex. It is my opinion that our planet either has a pair of large testicles or a set of hooters the size of Berlin.”

James, who’s recently familiarized himself with Cleaves work, says he doesn’t want to just go through the motions. “This is a real honor,” he said. “When you’ve got the world by the balls, you take on some extra responsibility. It’s important to appreciate who had them before you. You have to get the whole clinging technique down, and when to loosen your grip.”

There is no term limit on having the world by the balls. The Peruvian government decides, and the overall temperature of the world and it’s citizens are taken regularly to determine who will likely hold them next. No woman has ever had the world by the balls. “They’ve touched them,” Del Castillo added. “But the world is changing and we might someday soon, in our lifetime, see that happen…which might be kinda hot.”

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