LeBron James Inexplicably Acquires Swedish Accent
O death, where is thy bling? LeBron James has not only developed a scarily dead-on Swedish accent, but a fatalistic persona that’s really bumming people out.
CLEVELAND, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — With opening day of the NBA regular season less than a month away, the Cleveland Cavaliers are trying to determine how their superstar forward LeBron James has suddenly taken on an almost total and nearly perfect Swedish accent.
“I’ve been around basketball for over twenty years, and I’ve seen a lot,” said Cavs GM Danny Ferry. “But I have absolutely no explanation for this at all. What can I say? Uh, he did go shopping at IKEA once.”
But teammates insist Ferry is misinformed and that James has become obsessed with the Swedish furniture chain spending hours rummaging through their small, but surprisingly well-stocked imported food area.
“Obsessed, yeah I’d say he’s obsessed,” said teammate Lorenzen Wright. “My man bypasses the furniture and makes a bee-line straight for the black lumpfish caviar roe and triangle crisp bread. He’s completely freakin’ on the Kroppkakor.”
Teammate Ben Wallace has also noticed James’ bizarre and almost fanatical devotion to older Swedish cinema, particularly the classic Ingmar Bergman films of the 1950’s and 60’s.
“LeBron’s is all up in that angst-ridden, God’s silence, chess game with death stuff,” lamented Wallace. “And it’s bringing us all down. I was at his crib the other night. He’s purged himself of all the elaborate trappings we’ve come to know, and replaced them with a cool, almost lifeless, Spartan décor – the random chair, the sturdy table, the box of mueselix. Let me just say though, for the record, the accent is spot on. But it’s filled with a certain foreboding, weltschmerz. It’s not the cutesy, playful Swedish stewardess porn voice we all grew up with. It’s real dark ass shit.”
“This may be Mr. James way of branching out as he longs to be a world citizen beyond the stifling confines of the Cleveland metro,” says Dr. Andrew Ferugio, a sports psychologist. “Rub elbows with Warren Buffet regularly like LeBron, and you might start conversing in a pseudo-Scandinavian accent too.”
James was cornered by Cavaliers beat writer, Mike Vogel and asked about Tuesday’s pre-season loss to the Toronto Raptors.
“I want to confess as best I can, but my heart is void,” said James, quoting almost directly from Bergman’s masterpiece, The Seventh Seal. “The void is a mirror. I see my face and feel loathing and horror. My indifference to men has shut me out. I live now in a world of ghosts, a prisoner in my dreams, and a disillusioning turnaround jumper.”
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