Sportsman's Daily


Hollywood Madam Confirms that Tommy Lasorda Bleeds — and "Emits" — Dodger Blue

Tommy Lasorda

Tommy Lasorda assumes the position that Hollywood Madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson and "her girls" saw all too often. "He was remarkably limber for an overweight slob."

LOS ANGELES, CA (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda's name is among those reportedly in the "trick book" of Hollywood madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson, who served two years on a 2000 conviction for running an international prostitution ring. Lasorda denied knowing Gibson, which prompted Gibson to stage a press conference where she produced two vials of blue liquid -- one containing a blood sample, the other containing a semen sample, alleging they were both the discharge of one Tommy Lasorda.

"For years the fat windbag would tell everyone within shouting distance that he bled Dodger blue. Now that we have actual samples he's going around belly aching, threatening to sue when he should be where I remember him best: on his knees, with a dog collar, thanking me and begging for more. He may be a disgusting old whoremonger, but when he says he bleeds Dodger blue, that's only the half of it."

While Gibson refused to divulge how she procured the samples, Babs Larue, a hooker formerly in her employ, said she wasn't at all surprised by today's news.

"Tommy liked being peed on, but only after he took a little tinkle himself -- he called it 'watering the infield.' He had a shy bladder and would disappear into the bathroom to pee into a cup. When he came back I noticed it was the color of his truss, the one with the Dodger logo, which kind of freaked me out. But he was was very proud of it. I've seen red pee, purple puke and someone once left a pile of shit on the bed that I swear looked like Bob Hope, but that's the first time I saw blue pee. Of course later, when I wiped his shrivelled little pecker I realized that his cum was Dodger blue too."

Lasorda's attorney, Bert Sugarman, angrily denied the allegations. "We demand they turn the vials over to a respected lab to determine their origin. We categorically deny they are Mr. Lasorda's, but let the test results speak for themselves. And let me say for the record: my client's emissions are, contrary to his boasts through the years, neither Dodger blue, Giant orange or Mariner green. Depending on what Mr. Lasorda ingested at any given time, his urine is standard yellow, while his semen is somewhere between off-white and taupe."

While Dodger fan Charlie Sheen surprised many by not being on the trick list, he sprang to Lasorda's defense. "Whether Tommy bled, peed or puked Dodger blue is besides the point. There are better brothels in town. I don't see a guy with Lasorda's credentials running up a tab at Babydol's."

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement. "Tommy Lasorda is one of the game's treasures, a Hall of Fame manager who brought an infectious joy to the game of baseball. We will withold judgment until all the facts are in, though I have to confess, we were once in Puerto Rico on a goodwill tour and none of us could figure out what he was doing with this lovely 19 year old Spanish gal he said was his intern. One morning she came down to breakfast with a large blue stain on the hem of her dress. In light of today's allegations I'll admit it doesn't look good, but I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation."

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