Sportsman's Daily


Lance and Borat…for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan


Borat prepares for ride with Lance.

AUSTIN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — For several weeks, there were reports that Lance Armstrong is returning to competitive cycling and will ride for a Kazakhstan-financed team based in Belgium.

Late last week, Armstrong announced that he will indeed return to competitive cycling for a team supported by Kazakh interests. Following the formal announcement, Armstrong publicized his new Kazakh ties by riding the back roads of Austin with the celebrated journalist Borat Sagdiyev, who mounted his bike in his signature green thong. However, some two miles into the ride, Mr. Sagdiyev pulled to the side of road, bent over in obvious pain. Emergency workers arrived and deployed the “jaws of life” to extract the thong that had stubbornly lodged between his buttocks and relieve the intense pressure and “strangulating action” it had exerted on his testicles.

Twenty minutes later, Borat extravagantly thanked his rescuers, who squirmed in his exuberant group embrace.

“My new friends, thank you for taking pain from my testes and anus, is nice!” Borat loudly exclaimed. “I must congratulate my new friend Mr. Lance Armstrong. Is hard riding bicycle. Must have testes strong like Stalin! And anus made of steel…which also help defend against homosexuals. High-five!”

An embarrassed Armstrong curtly thanked the emergency workers, put Borat on his handlebars and pedaled away.

“We want to thank Borat and his countrymen for their support,” said Johan Bruyneel, who guided the U.S. Postal Service and Discovery Channel teams during Armstrong’s seven Tour-de-France victories. “I also want to assure Lance’s fans that Borat will not be a riding with Lance anytime soon or be a part of our team in any capacity. If you happen to see Borat with another man barreling into a hotel lobby and rolling around on the floor naked and sweaty, that other man won’t be Lance…he tried that with Cheryl Crow once. Very embarrassing.”  

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