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Minoso Wants to Put Hit Mark Out of Reach

Oldest player to get hit thinking comeback, but so is someone else

Minnie Minoso

White Sox legend Minnie Minoso takes a long draw on a cigar contemplating his return to the majors. Immediately after this photo was taken, Minoso began vomiting uncontrollably. He then laughed saying, "Oh yeah, I forgot these things make me hurl like Lindsay Lohan trying to drop a quick three pounds."

Chicago IL (JockStraps Wire Service) — Eighty-year old Minnie Minoso, stunned the baseball world thirty years ago, when at 50, he became the oldest player to get a hit in a regular season game with the Chicago White Sox. Four years later, he attempted to break his own record, but was unsuccessful in two at bats. Even to this day, the competitive juices continue to flow in the spry octogenarian.

“I look at Julio Franco, and he’s getting close to fifty,” Minoso said. “I don’t want him to break my record. I’m going to try to convince some owner to let me DH for one game. I could play for the Kansas City Royals next April. They’ll be out of the pennant race by then.”

Minoso had a lifetime .298 batting average. He also stole over 200 bases and could hit for power. He is convinced that if given the opportunity, he could get the coveted base knock that would assuredly put the age-hit mark out of reach. Minoso is in surprisingly good shape and still walks three miles a day.

But Elmer “Buckets” McAfee says Minoso will have to get in line if he wants the record. McAfee, who at 113 is the only living player to get a hit off Cy Young, says he’s planning his own comeback as soon as he can find his reading glasses and get off the floor. “I last swung a bat back in 1955 and let me tell you, my bat speed was pretty good. I felt then I could still get the bat around, and I‘d been out of the game 27 years at that point.” McAfee said. “So I’m not too worried. It’s like riding a bicycle.”

Then McAfee later became introspective and despondent confessing: “I never learned to ride a bicycle actually, so I’m probably not qualified to make that analogy. You see, we were poor and my father drank. He cheated on my mother whenever she wasn‘t around, and twice when she was around. He was particularly fond of big women. My brother Byron and I had to quit school and take jobs at the saw mill to support Mom and our little sister Alva. Then Alva grew up and started hooking for a while, sometimes turning six or seven tricks a night. Then mom began to drink and was killed by a train. The train wasn’t moving at the time which was pretty confusing. Then Byron and I started to drink. Life is a hellish abyss. Screw the comeback!”

Minoso was more upbeat saying, “Thank God I’m not Elmer 'Buckets' McAfee.”

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