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More Than Seven Years Later, John Rocker’s Only Regret is “I’m Not More Aryaner”

Former Closer Still a Jackass

John Rocker

“I’m working on it!!” John Rocker screams at three perfectly Aryan fans in Atlanta referring to his desire to become more Aryan. It took years, but the flame throwing lefty will undergo a controversial and complicated procedure in Switzerland.

ATLANTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – John Rocker, who lambasted New Yorkers and made sexist and racist remarks in 2000 hasn’t backed down on his comments and has officially remained one of the sports world‘s biggest jackasses. “He’s more than a jackass, he’s an asshole. And as assholes go, he’s one of the assholiest,” said Greg Moore from Target Jackass, a watchdog group. But now comes word that Rocker apparently has one regret regarding his overall views. “I wish I was more Aryaner,” the former Atlanta Braves fireballer said. “I’ve got the blue eyes, but not the blonde hair which is a real bummer. I guess I fall a notch short of the Aryan ideal.”

Rocker’s career took a nosedive after the remarks were published in a January, 2000 issue of Sports Illustrated. A sampling includes the following: "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

Rocker, whose official website continues to tout his controversial beliefs and promote his “Speak English” campaign, is currently exploring how he can actually become more Aryan. “A bottle of peroxide might do the trick for starters,” said Terry Clemens a neighbor of Rocker’s. But Rocker says that’s not enough. “I’m like eighty-two percent Aryan, which ain’t bad,” Rocker continued. “But I’d like to get to at least ninety to ninety-five percent leaving a five to ten percent margin for error for the unlikely possibility that my great-great-great grandfather might have banged a Czech. I’m leaving for Switzerland next week.”

Rocker plans on meeting with Dr. Klaus Von Moltzenhauer, a leading genetic scientist who up until now has been crossing Norwegian schoolgirls with citrus fruit. “I guess the next step is to try it out on Rocker,” Von Moltzenhauer said. “As long as I remember to place the Norwegian schoolgirls in the chamber with Rocker and not let’s say, a grapefruit. That would be weird.”

Rocker says he’s got his life on track now. “I think this last smidgen of genetic tweaking will get ‘er done,” the thirty-two year old former major league hurler said. “Then I plan on making my comeback in full blown Aryaness. Imagine that for a second will ya? A blue-eyed Nordic god-like figure emerging from the bullpen, scepter in hand, his flowing blonde hair matched only by the silky stream of his robes, riding two white flying horses, one ass cheek on each, as the towering strains of Flight of the Valkyries careens off the mammoth and Spartan stadium infrastructure. I’m getting a hard on just thinking about me.”

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CHARLES EPSTEIN

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