Sportsman's Daily


As Debate Draws Near, Joe Biden Recounts His First Fight with a Girl


Joe Biden taunts GOP in preparation for VP debate: "Go ahead, hit me. Take your best shot. Pussies."

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — According to Joe Biden, Joe Biden never backed down from a fight – even the time he found himself face-to-fist with Samantha Beal, a nine-year old bully who administered a beating the Delaware Senator will never forget.

At the Democratic National Convention, Biden invoked his sainted mother, thanking her for infusing him with the fighting spirit – which no doubt came in handy to a youngster with a horrific stutter growing up on the unforgiving streets of Scranton Pennsylvania. While it’s served him well over a 35 year Senatorial career, it could be to Biden’s detriment in this evening’s VP debate.

On paper, the debate would appear to be a mismatch of historic proportions, on par with the 1945 Oceania Group World Cup qualifier when the merciless Australian soccer team beat the team from American Samoa 31-0. Now imagine if the Samoan team were not only comically incompetent, but were all (hapless, yet comely) women, and you begin to grasp Biden’s challenge. Democratic strategists and pundits believe the mismatch actually favors Palin, forcing the naturally combative Biden to pull his punches – to, in essence, be more Fred Astaire than Sonny Liston, gracefully yet forcefully leading Governor Palin across the stage…only to spin her into the orchestra pit when the music stops (as opposed to pummeling her senseless from the opening bell and spattering the nation’s living rooms with intermittent jets of blood).

But Biden’s not buying. The Democratic VP nominee remembers the Samantha Beal beat-down “like it was yesterday” and vows to “come out smoking.”

“Samantha Beal was the youngest in a family of nine boys and was the biggest bully in fourth grade,” Biden bitterly recalls. “She used to make fun of my stutter, every day for three months. It was brutal. I used to come home crying when finally my sainted mother, Catherine Eugenia Finnegan Biden, said ‘hit me, Joey.’ I said what? She goes, ‘it’s ok, Joey, hit me.’ How can you hit your own mother? Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she catches me on the jaw with a right cross. She follows me as I stagger across the living room, raining down a vicious flurry of lefts and rights, blind fury in her eyes…in the time it took for me to claw my way to the couch I got the point.”

Biden went to the school the next day spoiling for a fight.

“But before I knew it, Samantha punches me in the face, throws me to the ground and proceeds to beat the living shit out of me. I was afraid to come home to tell my ma. But from that time on I vowed never to let a woman beat me to the punch. And to never assume just because she’s a woman she’s not out to rip your kidneys out. This is a lesson I will be taking to tonight’s debate. I will be looking to take my opponent out. There will be blood.”

David Axelrod, chief strategist for the Obama campaign, has appeared on Thursday morning talk-shows lowering expectations for tonight’s debate. “Governor Palin is a tough cookie who’s demonstrated an ability to absorb a punch. I expect she’ll stick and jab and keep out of range. She just needs to remain standing at the bell. Which is why we’ve got to knock the bitch out. Joe’s challenge will be to make it look like she ran into an accidental uppercut.”

Vegas odds makers give Biden a 4-1 chance of a knockout; they give Palin a 2-1 chance of turning tonight’s debate into a national embarrassment.

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