Record Breaker Bonds Admits He Took Steroids to Impress Jodie Foster
Slugger Thought She’d Dig It
“Two” is the number of Barry Bonds’ balls Jodie Foster says she’d kick if he gets near her. “I’m not impressed,” said Foster in a prepared statement.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Now that the greatest record in sports has been broken, tormented slugger Barry Bonds has finally come clean. The San Francisco Giants leftfielder slugged homerun number 756 on August 7, 2007 and admitted that he did in fact take steroids.
“Most people have heard the story that Barry took steroids to develop more power at the plate because he was insanely jealous of Mark McGwire’s success, but that just isn’t true,” said former BALCO employee Brent Dalton. “The truth is he did it to impress Jodie Foster.”
On March 30, 1981 John Hinckley Jr. attempted to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Hinckley later confessed that he wanted to kill the president to impress actress Jodie Foster. Hinckley was obsessed with Foster’s performance as a young prostitute in the 1976 film, Taxi Driver.
“Bonds saw the movie too, as well as Silence of the Lambs and Little Man Tate,” added Dalton. “He just couldn’t get enough of her. When she won her second Oscar for ‘Lambs’ Barry became very introspective, then later fixated on capturing her attention. When he found out she wasn’t a baseball fan, it drove him even more.”
The Foster phenomenon is not unheard of in baseball as other players have admitted to a weakness commonly referred to as “Goin’ deep for the Fos.” In one of baseball’s more odd moments, former White Sox slugger Ron Kittle took Orioles pitcher Mike Flanagan yard twice in one game in 1984. As he circled the bases after hitting his second long ball Kittle shouted a series of non-sequiturs at the confused Orioles hurler including “Franny‘s really grown up this summer hasn't she?” and “Lilly, fetch Daddy another glass of lemonade.” It was learned later he was reciting lines from Foster’s 1984 film, Hotel New Hampshire.
Dr. Gustav Klapschitz, a sports psychologist from Geneva, feels that Bonds’ late career statistical explosion makes sense. “With Hinckley it was dangerous because he was a loner. But Barry grew up around baseball, the fans, and saw his famous father succeed. Naturally he wanted to succeed as well. But once he got a taste of success, he needed more. And when he didn’t get it, he turned to steroids. That’s when everything changed. His life was filled with bitterness, loneliness, self-loathing, and a really big cranium. That’s difficult to overcome. Of course having a stone-cold, drop dead gorgeous babe on your arm might take some of the sting away. Of course if you can’t have that, Jodie Foster has been known to work.”
Foster, the two-time Academy Award winning actress and Yale graduate with the genius IQ is a sports conundrum who’s had beat reporters scratching their heads for twenty-five years. Not known as a sports fan at all, ballplayers are curiously drawn to her. “I just find her fascinating,” Phillies outfielder Aaron Rowand acknowledged. “Tell me any other actress who he can portray a confident, intelligent woman in one film and a twenty dollar whore in the next?” Reporters didn’t answer Rowand’s question considering it rhetorical, but Rowand waited an excruciatingly awkward four and half minutes before finally answering his own question. “Nothing? Ok, let me help you. Maybe Julia Roberts. Or Jane Fonda thirty years ago. But that’s it.” Batboy Billy Travers who quietly mouthed Natalie Portman was quickly shooed away.
Bonds hinted he may stick around to try and hit eight-hundred homers to see if that feat may finally capture Foster’s attention. “I’ll pump twenty cc’s of the rudest, nastiest, foulest, anabolic, heart-pounding shit you ever saw in your life into my ass if that’s what it takes to catch her eye,” Bonds said as was quickly being ushered through a seldomly used narrow stadium tunnel. “Now, can someone gets some Astroglide so I can squeeze my head through this bitch?”
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