Sportsman's Daily


Lou Gehrig in Stands to See Derek Jeter Break His Yankee Stadium Hit Mark

Runners with large Tampax box

Sorry, fresh out! These vendors flee all the way to Brooklyn after catching a glimpse of the Iron Horse .

BRONX, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — In what was arguably the most ill-conceived and terrifying celebration in baseball history, the late Lou Gehrig unexpectedly showed up to salute Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter when he broke the record for the most hits by one player in Yankee Stadium.

“Uh…it was nice to see him. He looked good,” a still visibly shaken Jeter said after the game. “I knew the ballclub had something special planned, but I sure didn’t see that coming. That Hank Steinbrenner’s got a real flair for creating a moment in time, huh?”

This is the first time Gehrig, who died tragically of ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis) in 1941, has been back to Yankee Stadium.

“Well, this raises the bar for tastelessness,” said Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson who was in attendance. “On so many levels this is just wrong. I realize the stadium is closing, and they want to bring out the big guns, but this? It was horrific to see Lou sitting there. You can all make your jokes if you want to, but I don’t see myself ever repressing this.”

Gehrig’s arrival was met with a chorus of screams as fans almost immediately began hurling themselves over the upper deck railing.

“It’s the end times,” screamed longtime Yankee fan Patrick Kavanagh who ran out onto 161st Street amid thousands of stunned people. “Death can’t come soon enough for me. The Iron Horse has left his grave. God help us!”

A Hazmat crew began a massive cleanup process in the area Gehrig was sitting. Those who were seated near the deceased Hall of Famer complained of severe abdominal cramps, disorientation, and invisible crawling things on their genitalia.

“I think people are blowing this a bit out of proportion,” Gehrig told the Sportsman’s Daily while taking a leisurely stroll down River Avenue. “People think this entire thing is the height of poor taste. Well, I’m not offended one bit. I’ve been dead for sixty-seven years, so it’s OK, have some fun and make your little remarks. My place in history is secure – with the possible exception of being responsible for emotionally scarring hundreds of children and causing a massive outbreak of Carbuncles.”

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