Sportsman's Daily


An Inconvenient Ruth

Oscar Darling Al Gore to Make Film of Bambino’s Wasteful Ways

Babe Ruth

The Sultan of Swat demonstrates typical wasteful excess, wearing headgear fashioned from semi-precious metal when he could have opted for one fashioned from biodegradable cardboard. Joe DiGangi, a bullpen catcher for the Yankees in the 1930s, remembers Ruth pointing skyward during batting practice before cavalierly launching shots that pierced the ozone layer.

LOS ANGELES, CA (JockStraps Wire Service) — At Sunday’s Academy Award ceremonies, former Vice-President Al Gore joined filmmakers on stage after the documentary Gore appeared in, An Inconvenient Truth, won the Oscar for best documentary. Now Gore has his sights set on one of the greatest baseball players of all-time, Babe Ruth. “As much as it pains me to say it,” Gore said. “The Babe was really a wasteful person who was an enemy to everything green. He rode around in cars that got six miles to the gallon slamming three or four bimbos a night while he could have spent the money on beautifying the community, constantly left lights burning when he was out, and used bats made from rare trees from the Amazon.”

Hall of Fame Yankees shortstop Phil Rizzuto disagrees with Gore. “Holy Cow, Gore’s off his rocker. There was no such thing as being green in those days,” the man affectionately known as ‘Scooter‘ said. “Everybody I knew had complete disregard for the planet. I’d walk out of a corner drug store and throw my cigarette pack wrapper on the ground. What did I care?? The street sweeper would come by anyway and take it all to the city dump where children would play among the poisonous toxins all day until it was time to come in and eat frankfurters chock full of red dye number 2. Those were the days!”

Though Rizzuto’s career started after Ruth retired, the two did know each other during the 1940’s. “Babe used to have fantastic parties at his Manhattan penthouse apartment,” Rizzuto added. “It was like Rome over there. You name it, Babe would provide - sloth, gluttony, lust, a real great time. Yeah, maybe in retrospect it was a little irresponsible considering the ice caps are melting, but leave the poor bastard alone. He hit 714 home runs and really knew how to treat a whore.”

Despite outside pressure from Major League Baseball, the Yankees and the surviving relatives of Babe Ruth, Gore says he’s determined to bring this story to the screen. “People love seeing mythic figures reduced to ashes or at least a smoldering ember. Its my job to be the whistle blower, like when I accidentally was walking by the Oval Office one night and heard the distinct sound of…wait, I mean, nothing. Nothing. Next topic.”

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