Sportsman's Daily


Fans Demand Apology from Don Imus for Embarrassing Display of Public Groveling

Al Sharpton

The Reverend Al Sharpton indicates the exact size of the ass he demanded Don Imus kiss. Imus happily complied in an embarrassing two-hour cringe-a-thon. Imus wound up losing not only his job, but countless fans disgusted by his stupidity, arrogance and conspicuous absence of testicles.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – Shock jock legend Don Imus was summarily fired by MSNBC and CBS for referring to the woman’s basketball team from Rutgers University as “nappy headed ‘hos.” His comments caused a firestorm of criticism and outrage, prompting Imus to spend two whole hours on the Reverend Al Sharpton’s radio show to apologize. And grovel. And whimper. Before apologizing. Then groveling. And whimpering some more.

For many of his fans, the sight of the swaggering designer cowboy looking about ready to disappear up his Stetson was painful in the extreme. Even those who seldom if ever tuned him in, watched aghast as he weakly submitted to what many have called a “public un-manning.” A recent JockStraps poll showed that, while 98% deemed Imus’ comment “offensive” (the other 2% who claimed to be aspiring rap artists and Civil War "re-enactors" had no comment), almost as many -- 89% -- were put off by his handling of the incident.

“For years I dismissed the stupidity and racism as the price of doing business – you slog through it waiting to hear Tim Russert or Chris Matthews talk smack,” said forty-three year old (white) businessman Richard Hurst, who calls himself an Imus fan. “But as bad as the comment was – and it was bad -- it wasn’t nearly as bad as watching I-man turn into I-pussy before you can say 'Tawana Fucking Brawley.'”

Postal worker Rodney White, a thirty-two year old African American, found the I-man’s public display of spinelessness almost as contemptible as his original comments.

“You say something like that, you deserve a boot up your ass. You should be expecting a boot up your ass. In fact, if I was in the room, I’m the one supplying the boot. So if you know you’re about ready to get a boot up your ass, what you gotta do is limber up them sphincter muscles and prepare to take the full force of a size 13 up your sorry ass. Blubbering to Reverend Al ain’t gonna get it done. You take the boot like a man and move on. ”

While many of the “big names” who trooped to the I-man’s microphone have pledged their undying support for the dried up cantankerous old coot, several spoke to Jockstraps off the record, echoing the sentiments expressed above.

“Isn’t being an ugly, bitter old man plagued with a seventh grade sense of humor penalty enough?” asked a prominent journalist who was a regular guest on the show. “Did he have to add insult to injury by throwing himself at the Reverend Al’s Guccis? Just pathetic.”

When told the guys from PicksPal gave Imus even odds to resurface within six months, the journalist let out what can only be described as a shrew-like shriek, and pleaded to have us strike his previous comments. He said he had a book coming out in the Fall and was afraid Imus wouldn’t invite him on to pimp it as he has done for countless establishment figures in the past (which begs the question: if Imus is a publicity pimp, what does that make the primped and perfumed poodles who prance before his microphones? Snappy dressed ‘hos?).

Twenty-six year old paralegal Thaira Akimbo Beckerman is a half black, half Asian lesbian with a partial handicap who was raised by a single Jewish parent.

“As an African American Asian Jewish lesbian with a partial handicap, I’ve been called everything in the book, from nappy headed Jew to bagel and lox eating n****r to a slant-eyed muff muncher. So while I feel for the girls, there are worse things than being called a nappy headed ‘ho…now, being called a pussy-whipped, over-the-hill shock jock with a face like an old shit-stained saddlebag, that’s offensive. Particularly when it applies.”

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