Sportsman's Daily


Twelve Year Old Girl Possessed by Drew Rosenhaus

Drew Rosenhaus

Your Offer Sucks Cocks in Hell! Drew Rosenhaus works his black magic on an unnamed George Balanchine Foundation member.

GEORGETOWN, WASHINGTON, DC. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — In a scene eerily reminiscent of The Exorcist, twelve year old Clinton MacNeil, daughter of film actress Connie MacNeil, has been exhibiting horrifying signs that she’s possessed by an evil spirit.

“We thought it was Pazuzu, the demon who possessed young Regan MacNeil in the book and movie, The Exorcist,” said clinical psychologist Melvin Fleem. “But this is different. The evil that is at work here is far more terrifying than the average human can possibly imagine. We are convinced that it is (super agent) Drew Rosenhaus.”

Clinton MacNeil, a promising dance student who studies at Washington’s prestigious Kirov Academy of Ballet initially showed signs something was wrong when she placed a video on YouTube demanding better arch support.

“As we all know,” said American University Professor of Humanities, Dr. Arthur Washburn. “The Rosenhaus demon is a miasma of putrid decay that lurks in the shadows, targeting those successful, affluent, free spirits when they are most vulnerable – then disintegrates their souls until they can’t even be identified by dental records. We’re hoping the young girl can be freed from his clutches in time enough to save her.”

“Oh, this is ridiculous. I’m a licensed agent for crying out loud,” said Rosenhaus holding up his agent’s card. “So what if I’ve decided to branch out into the fine arts? Ms. MacNeil will soon realize that she’s going to have to renegotiate on a monthly, even weekly basis – especially after her graceful port de bras has the audience falling all over themselves in Paris. I’m the guy who can get her what she wants. I’ve done it for others.”

But wide receiver Terrell Owens, one of Rosenhaus’ superstar NFL clients fears the little girl already maybe past the point of no return.

“She’s a goner,” said Owens speaking small group of reporters outside his home. "Drew’s my boy and all, but part of signing on the dotted line with him is you actually lose your own perspective on ethics. In fact, I heard Drew gave a commencement speech a couple months back at University of Miami and they immediately discontinued their ethics courses. This poor girl ain’t even a client. She saw a video of Drew and that was it – full on possession at its finest. She’s screwed.”

Owens then vomited a steady stream of pea soup and rejected contracts dating back to 2002 before rectally inserting a small bobble head of Donovan McNabb.

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