Sportsman's Daily

 

Like Elvis, Most People Prefer Thinner Barry

ut Ohio Woman Loves Them All

bonds elvis collage

Fat Elvis - Thin Elvis -- Fat Barry - Thin Barry. Debate rages on to this day which weight is more popular with fans.

YOUNGSTOWN, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Ashley Miller of Youngstown, Ohio was twelve when a svelte, athletic Barry Bonds made his major league debut on May 30th, 1986. “I’ve been a huge Pirates fan my entire life,” the longtime bartender at Cedar’s Café on North Hazel Street said. “They were coming off two losing seasons when this sleek looking, speedy outfielder came up. He was kinda cute too.” Miller is also a diehard Elvis Presley fan just like her parents. She draws a stunning parallel between Bonds and Elvis. “See this?” Miller says as she points to two life size cardboard cutouts of Bonds and Elvis. “This is Barry in 1986 and Elvis in 1966, they have the same body type - slim, fit and hot.” Miller then opened a storage closet and pulled out similar cutouts this time depicting the heftier versions of her two heroes. “These boys really piled on the poundage, but I can’t still help but love them. Barry even does that kind of Elvis pelvic sway sometimes when he bats.”

Jack Dewhurst of Sausalito, California says he caught the last homerun ball from Barry’s pre-steroid era hit at Candlestick Park on Wednesday, September 29th, 1999. “He hit four-hundred and forty-five homers legit,” said Dewhurst. “After that it was juiced up bullshit. Someday, when everybody comes to their senses, this will be worth something. Look, Bonds, Presely -- guys of that magnitude will always have demons to wrestle with. Barry will have to look in the mirror and know his rippling physique is a sham. And The King died takin' a shit. Fame is no walk in the park."

The Elvis-Bonds parallel has drawn interest from those working in the area of mental health. “He seemed destined to be the next true superstar,” said sports psychologist W. Sterling Sandwich. “But then something happened to him he couldn’t process. Other players like Ken Griffey Jr., Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa began to steal the headlines and America’s hearts. Some sort of a cry for help was inevitable. Kind of like when The Beatles hit when Elvis was on top.” Bonds cry for help came after the McGwire-Sosa homerun race of 1998. Bonds struggled in 1999 and was at a crossroads. But in 2000 an ostensibly newer and bigger Bonds was born. He slammed forty-nine homers at age thirty-five, then was on a course with what seemed like a seat at the right hand of the baseball gods the following year when he hit an impossible seventy-three long balls.

“I don’t think Elvis could have hit that many homeruns,” a confused Miller said. “Come to think of it, I don’t think he played all that much baseball. Ok, forget that. That was stupid. I should never try and be funny. And now, as I sit here thinking about it all, Elvis actually wasn’t all that great of a guitar player either. He knew four, maybe five chords. It’s an insult to mention his fret board work in the same breath with Jimmy Page, let alone Jeff Beck or Al Di Meola. But he looked good in a polyester white jumpsuit. Oh Christ, let’s be honest here - when you peel away the layers, he had a modicum of talent. I’ve been wasting my life with these ridiculous cardboard cutouts and worthless trivia.”

Miller then poured herself a tall glass of straight Kentucky bourbon and reached for a revolver. “This is my favorite Beatles album,” she quipped referring to the Fab Four’s 1966 classic, “Revolver.” “No? Not funny right? Dammit!!”

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CHARLES EPSTEIN

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