Sportsman's Daily


Agent Drew Rosenhaus Applauds Burress for Putting His Thigh in the Way of Stray Bullet

 O.J. Simpson shown here with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Plaxico Burress acknowledges crowd's appreciation for disarming himself before taking the field earlier this season.   

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — During halftime of “Monday Night Football,” super agent Drew Rosenhaus was on to clear up a major misconception surrounding his client Plaxico Burress’s “self-inflicted” gunshot wound.  

“I shudder to think of the carnage had the bullet been allowed to roam freely in a crowded nightclub,” said Rosenhaus, shuddering for the ESPN audience.  “If it weren’t for Plax’s quick thinking and basic decency, that bullet is lodged not in his thigh, but in, god forbid, some innocent stripper’s 38 inch chest.  I can’t begin to imagine the horror.”

Notorious for his ruthless manipulation and brass knuckle tactics, Rosenhaus was uncharacteristically introspective as he soberly chatted with hosts Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser.   

“It was so traumatic for me when I heard he was shot in the leg,” continued Rosenhaus. “But I’m doing surprisingly well. I was lead to believe I’d feel a burning sensation.  But frankly I didn’t feel a thing.”

Rosenhaus went on to express admiration for his client’s “grace under pressure” and selflessness in “taking a bullet for Mandy, Crystal and Monique – not to mention the club’s regular patrons who might have otherwise found themselves in its potentially lethal path.”

“I bitterly resent people pointing fingers and describing the wound as self-inflicted, implying my client was somehow irresponsible in placing his thigh in harm’s way.  It’s like throwing yourself on a live grenade – some would argue that the ensuing carnage was self-inflicted. I’d call it heroism.  Who among us can honestly say they’d do the same? I’d do it for a client in a heartbeat, metaphorically speaking of course, but that’s me.”

Rosenhaus praised the Giants’ owners and General Manager Jerry Reese for caring only about Burress’s health.

“I’m very touched by the way the Giants have handled this,” Rosenhaus said, pausing to grab Tirico’s sleeve to wipe away a tear.  “We all know this is a business and there’s a lot of money at stake -- $35 mill over five years to be exact, of which only $11 mill is guaranteed. Man oh man…I think I’m going to cry.”  Rosenhaus buried himself in Kornheiser’s arms for what seemed like an eternity.

“There, there,” soothed Kornheiser, desperately looking to Tirico for help. “Everything will be ok.”

Rosenhaus’s cell phone rang. In a flash he was back to his old self.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell him we want an extra year or I’ll rip his balls off.” Rosenhaus glowered, then his features softened. “Where were we? Oh yeah. Well, let me just say thank god it was Plax carrying the concealed gat.  I won’t lie: if I saw any of my other clients walking into my office with a loaded Glock in his waistband, I’d be the first guy to dive under the table.”  

Rosenhaus thanked the ESPN hosts for giving him the opportunity to tell “his” side of the story. “And for the kids out there, remember: guns don’t save people, people save people.”

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