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Leaked "Rosenhaus Doctrine" Reveals Super Agent's Shocking Plans to Expand Global Footprint

Recent signing of Russian Strongman Vladimir Putin adds to agent's fast-growing -- and highly alarming -- stockpile of strongmen, headcases and malcontents

bum giving the finger

From Super Agent to Lone Super Power: Drew Rosenhaus makes no secret of his global ambitions, as evidenced bya recent picture with a new client, the crowned head of an international hamburger concern.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) For the past five years, an unspoken policy of deterrence maintained by a tight-knit cabal of leading sports agents has kept the outsize ambitions of super agent Drew Rosenhaus in check.

Drew Rosenhaus is in check no more. As even his former adversaries will concede, Rosenhaus has emerged as the world’s dominant sports super agent. Former rivals Scott Boras and Leigh Steinberg have been reduced to former soviet republics looking to the US -- a.k.a. Drew Rosenhaus-- for sympathy and support.

Only Drew Rosenhaus doesn't pretend, not even for a second, to be the US. He is not interested in carefully and responsibly husbanding his power and influence as the world's solitary superpower (as the theory goes). It’s more accurate to view Drew Rosenhaus as the former Soviet Union, had the USSR and not the US emerged as the world's pre-eminent superpower. Imagine the brutish aggression. The mind control. The threats. The blackmail. The humiliation, as grown men are coerced into signing aging players to deals that extend well past the players' expiration date. These are all classic Rosenhausian hallmarks – or skidmarks, if you happened to be standing in the way of a motorized Rosenhaus offensive.

There have long been fears of Rosenhaus’ rise, given his conspicuous – some would say mad – lust for power. And the lengths he would go to humiliate his conquests.

“I love the smell of boiled flesh and bone in the morning – though it’s also quite invigorating just after a late-afternoon nap,” said Rosenhaus in an interview he gave to Playboy four years ago, as he tended to a bubbling cauldron containing what looked like a human head.

The fears were compounded with the leaking of the “Rosenhaus Doctrine,” a thirty page “blueprint” for expanding hegemony across Eastern Europe, the former Soviet Republics, and over Russia herself. The surprise signing of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was a cornerstone of the blueprint.

“Politics is sports by other means,” begins the section on recruiting political figures. “The first step toward building a client base inside the former iron curtain is signing an ‘anchor’ client, ala Putin. Once we land Putin and several high-profile endorsement deals follow, the rest of Eastern Europe will fall in line. Though we’ll need to prepare for unexpected contingencies – what if the Bulgarian guy is looking to do some sports casting on the side and turns out to be the next John Madden? And suddenly likes being John Madden more than he likes being President. Then what?”

Since the Putin signing. Rosenhaus is rumored to be in talks with Ukraine’s President and with a member of Rumania’s national weight lifting team with political interests.

Most of Rosenhaus’s clients support the super agent’s aggressive expansion plans.

“Now I hate to use words like global hegemony, or economies of scale, but Drew Rosenhaus is kicking ass and taking names – exactly what you want in a super agent: indifference to human suffering coupled with insatiable territorial ambitions,” said Terrell Owens, a Rosenhaus client. “I always said Drew Rosenhaus is a little man in search of a balcony. He may be Il Duce in a business suit, but he’s our Il Duce.”

While Chinese super agent Ji Chuntan acknowledged Rosenhaus’s position as the world’s dominant super-agent, he warns him to not get too comfortable as change is a-comin’. “Rosenhaus big now, but wait three, five years, as China begins producing a new generation of super agents. Some of our best and brightest are going into sports management – very, very popular field. We have fourteen year olds who can negotiate a bowel movement from a constipated tax collector. They can do six year deals with complex incentive clauses and opt-outs in their heads standing upside down. One day, American sports stars will demand to be paid in yen. Actually, they’d be wise to start now -- dollar in big trouble. Hold phone. A Mr. Owens calling.”

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