Sportsman's Daily


Miami Dolphins Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately -- "If Not Sooner"

ankle bracelet

Miami Dolphins present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz (the very same model showcased by Martha Stewart). Organization makes it clear that Schultz' retirement is binding and irreversible.

DELRAY BEACH, FL (JockStraps Wire Service) — Dan Schultz, a fifty-five year old engineer and fanatical Dolphin fan from Delray Beach, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 45 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

"I know everyone's surprised, but I've been planning this for years. You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits. It's time. You want to go out on your own terms, before the team starts to go bad and you still have your health."

Word of Schultz's retirement caught many by surprise.

"Frankly, I wasn't even aware Dan followed the Dolphins," said Burt Schottenheimer, a colleague. "Monday morning we’d be talking about the game and then Dan would suddenly appear just on the periphery. I don't recall Dan ever saying boo, even after a particularly bad loss. We’d just notice him off to the side, pacing, silently fuming, with that far-away look in his eye. With Dan you knew just to smile and keep your movements to a minimum."

"We were married ten years before I found out,” said Bette Schultz, Dan’s wife of 30 years. “Every Sunday he'd leave the house, but I thought it was his chess club or weekly MENSA meeting. Then, one night, it’s around 2 am, I can’t sleep and I decide to do laundry. I hear this faint clicking sound coming from the attic.” It was then that Bette not only discovered that her husband was a diehard Dolphins fan, but a particularly unhinged one.

“Dan gave 45 years to the Dolphins organization, ” said Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga. "In our entire history I don’t believe we’ve received as many letters and emails from one fan. At last count Dan had sent 15,000 pieces of communication to a member of this organization. We always respected his passion and commitment, though we wish we’d been able to trace the letters to their origin earlier than we did. For years many of us, from ownership to players on the field, lived minute-to-minute, jumping at shadows and the never-ending sound of muffled cackling.”

It has been since learned that Schultz’s retirement was not entirely voluntarily, but worked out between Schultz’s lawyers and Dolphins counsel.

“I’ll admit, I had some tough times," said Schultz. " The late 70s were rough, for most of the Marino years I wasn’t taking my medication regularly, I was having a hard time at the office, I wasn’t real easy to live with. And the letters probably reflected that. But no matter how extreme I might have sounded, I always had the good of the team at heart. And for the record, I never wished Jimmy Johnson dead. Or torn apart by a large fish with sharp teeth. Though I did say some rather unflattering things about his hair, which I suggested be yanked out one at a time by reaching through the roof of his big fat mouth.”

To commemorate Schultz’s retirement, the Dolphins organization presented him with a Timex watch, a $500 gift certificate to Shula’s, a popular steakhouse, and a surveillance bracelet Schultz must wear around his ankle for a period of ten years.

“I’m looking forward to retirement. I’m not sure what I’ll do. It’s hard not having a team to root for. I miss the aggravation already.”


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