Sportsman's Daily


Twilight Hysteria: 83% of All Teenage Girls Convinced Dirk Nowitzki is a Vampire

Dirk Nowitzki vampire

Fangs, but No Fangs. Dallas Maverick’s Power Forward, Dirk Nowitzki loathes the attention of adoring female vampire enthusiasts, and insists he’s not undead.    

DALLAS, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Twilight-mania continues to grip vampire loving fans at the bookstore and at the movies. As the motion picture Twilight continues to pace the box office, the film’s core audience – teenage girls – have turned their sights on an unlikely NBA star, Dirk Nowitzki.  

“He’s so ashen and gaunt,” said 15 year old fan, Molly Turner of Teaneck, New Jersey. “I just know he’s a real vampire. You can tell the second he walks into a room – he’s sucks the life out of it.”

“I’m German,” a visibly annoyed Nowitzki barked. “I’m supposed to be ashen and gaunt. I mean, what the fuck? Am I supposed to look like George Hamilton? You try spending the Januarys of your youth in Wurzburg and tell me you can get a respectable tan.”

In a recent survey among Twilight’s female fans age twelve to eighteen, a stunning 83% believe the Dallas Maverick’s power forward is indeed a member of the undead. However, nearly 70% of those fans don’t know what he does for a living.  

“I heard he’s in sports,” said Tara Harris, 13, of Riverside, California. “Maybe I’ll start watching his games now. I’m really happy he’s a good vampire and only drinks the blood of small woodland creatures as opposed to human beings or lawyers.”    

“This is just ludicrous,” added Nowitzki. “Why me? Couldn’t they have chosen (Phoenix Suns point guard and Slovenian native) Goran Dragic?  He’s perfect for them. He’s got that central European pedigree – practically born right in Transylvania’s back yard, looks great in a cape, and only goes out at night.”

But Nowitzki’s fans aren’t ready to switch allegiance to the Suns’ guard anytime soon.

“I heard Dirk’s blood gorging of choice is limited to bunnies and small dogs,” said 17 year old Karen Banks of Melbourne, Florida. “I’ll bet he’s really cute when he snatches poor defenseless animals barehanded and goes into his crimson frenzy.”   

“I’d like to clear that up right away,” continued Nowitzki. “Once you’ve had your fill of Wienerschnitzel and Sauerbraten, the German diet tends to get a little bland. I figured freshly killed raw field rabbit and a small Schnauzer would be a nice change of pace. Christ, a guy goes off menu a couple times – and all of sudden he’s Vlad Dracul.”

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