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David Ortiz Clarifies Statement: “Ok, Ok, Ok, I Hate the Yankees”

David Ortiz

David Ortiz aims imaginary "six shooters" at Yankee dugout during recent series. "When I said you can never fall in love with a team, I was speaking literally, visualizing some of the guys as they came out of the shower. But what's more important is that I hate the Yankees. And I will continue hating them for another three years, when my contract runs out."

BOSTON, MA (The Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) – Red Sox slugger David Ortiz does not hate the Yankees. Worse, he doesn’t rule out playing for them if the money was right and the opportunity arose.

But that was before a furious Red Sox Nation lit up message boards, inundated blogs and blitzed talk radio across New England, forcing “Big Papi” to recant and recalibrate his insufficiently anti-Yankee “leanings.”

A recent issue of Time Magazine featured Ortiz in a section called “Ten Questions,” where he responded to ten reader emails. When asked “how much he hates the New York Yankees,” Ortiz casually replied, “I don’t hate them. Why should I?” When asked if he’d leave the Red Sox and play for the Yankees at the right price, he said that he’d consider it, “because you never know what can happen with your career. You can never fall in love with a team.”

Fearing another Damon-esque betrayal (former Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon signed with the Yankees as a free agent), millions of outraged fans made their position clear: anything less than a clear statement of rabid Yankee hatred is not an option. Ortiz got the message.

“Ok, Ok, Ok, I hate the Yankees,” sighed Ortiz, hoping to put an end to the controversy. Unfortunately for him, it did not.

“I’m not sold,” said Billy Shaunnessy, a thirty-eight year-old Red Sox fan from Dorchester. “I mean, does that sound like a guy consumed with hatred? I’m a third generation Sox fan. I was brought up to do three things: drink, beat my kids and hate any motherfucker in pinstripes. Which I’ll admit lead to some unfortunate beatings. Like the time I put a banker in the hospital. Live and learn.”

Duly chastened, Ortiz issued a statement that redefined his antipathy toward the widely loathed Bronx Bombers.

“I never said I liked or was even fond of the Yankees. In fact, I don’t like them one bit. I never liked them. As a boy growing up in the Dominican Republic I was a Yankees fan, but very briefly -- three weeks tops. But the minute you put the Red Sox uniform on, that all goes away. I’d love to retire as a Red Sox. I love Boston. I love the city, the people, the food – give me a plate of rice and baked beans and I’m as happy as an Irish dock worker eating a bowl of clam chowder. Alex Rodriguez could walk in and I wouldn’t even notice. When most any other time I’d chase him down a dark street and beat him senseless with my cell phone and American Express Platinum card.”

“Better,” said Shaunnessy, “but still, he’s just going to beat Rodriquez and leave him there? That’s it? With a cell phone and major credit card? If he’s in an alley there’s got to be a 2x4 lying around. And what about Jeter? And that fuck Clemens. If that’s me, when I’m done stomping A-Rod, I’m prowling the streets, looking for Clemens, then moving onto Jeter. Figuratively speaking, of course.”

Rox Sox pitcher Curt Schilling came to Ortiz’ defense, sort of. “We have the best, most passionate fans in baseball. And there’s nothing that gets people more riled up than the Yankees. But as players you can’t get caught up in all that. Hating Jason Giambi isn’t going to help my location. Personally, I love the rivalry and I get pumped every time we play them. But hate the Yankees? That’s silly. I don’t hate the Yankees. I don’t even know them. I don’t travel with them. I don’t interact with them in the locker room. I do, however, know my team mates, who are easily the biggest bunch of degenerates I’ve ever been around. Now those guys, those guys I hate.”

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